Searching For Myself: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Shit For Brains!

2012-02-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

Fat is an enemy I’ve been fighting all of my life. I’ve lost 20 pounds and then gained 30 back. I’ve even lost nearly 80 pounds and then gained that plus another 100 back. Food is my dark passenger, the monkey on my back, and worst of all…FOOD IS MY BEST FRIEND.

My highest weight hit 330 pounds back in 2007 or so. When people looked at me, they saw someone who was morbidly obese. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a thin, happy person who’d only get a little peeved when I couldn’t slide into a booth at my favorite local restaurant because my stomach would push up against the table. I wasn’t upset that suddenly my kitchen cabinet was stocked with 2 different pills for diabetes, 1 for high blood pressure, 2 for high cholesterol, 1 for GERD, and I had to be strapped into a Darth Vader mask every night for sleep apnea. The only person I could be angry with was myself. I’m the only one responsible for eat McDonald’s or pizza or donuts or whatever else I could get my hands on and shove down my throat.

Finally, last summer (July of 2011), I had reached my limit. I was done trying to stay on calorie-restricted diets and fad “cleanses”. I decided I would have gastric bypass surgery. I can’t even recall how many tests (both physically and psychologically) you have to get through before the surgeon even considers you. Thankfully, (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it.) I qualified for the surgery with my insurance company because I had so many co-morbidities. While the physical tests were thorough and covered everything from my eyes to my asshole, the psychological test was a brief, ten minute conversation with a licensed therapist. “Yes, you seem normal in your head. You’re cleared.” Me? Normal? Never!

I had my surgery on July 7^th and have lost over 100 pounds. My skin now sags everywhere that gravity can snatch it. I don’t mind that too much as I almost immediately (I’m talking just 1 day) was pulled off all of my meds. I suddenly didn’t have diabetes, high blood pressure, acid reflux, etc. Physically, I’ve never felt better.

My brain has given me a bit of fight, though. I still saw Mr. Fatty Pants when I looked in the mirror. I tripped out that every other week I had to buy a new pair of shorts because my belly and my ass took a flying leap. People started complementing me by telling me how handsome or even “sexy” I looked now. I’ve never lived as a thin adult and I had no knowledge of how to respond to compliments or stunned gasps. My brain still saw and felt like a 300+ pound sloth and I self-medicated with Xanax and Trazadone to drown out those feelings. I no longer had to order from the “Big Man’s” catalog or shop at Casual Male. I could finally walk into a regular store and pull a size 34 pants off the rack. I haven’t been a 34 waist since elementary school. Honestly.

It’s an ongoing process. I still do or feel things that I’ve never had the pleasure to before. I’m not scared of getting on a ride at Disneyland for fear I won’t fit. I don’t worry about overeating, because my stomach won’t let me. I don’t have to worry about buying the largest size available at Target or Macy’s. I’m just like any other 43 year-old man walking down the street. Except now, I’m severing my co-dependent relationship with food. After going through a romantic break-up and job stress last fall, I wanted to shove Big Macs and large pizzas into my face, but I couldn’t. My best friend was gone. I didn’t realize that there truly is a grieving period when you lose your ability to eat certain foods. Goodbye Baby Ruth and your cousin Mr. Butterfingers. So long to high calorie sodas and the one glass of alcohol I might have had every few months. Adios my dear friends, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

So many people ask if I would do it over again or if I regret it. No, I don’t regret and would do it again in a heartbeat! Hindsight is always 20/20, but if I had known, I would have been better prepared for the heartbreak of losing such a dear, lifelong companion. Making new friends as an adult is never easy. However, I’m determined to find them and become emotionally attached to something I won’t eat (insert dirty joke here). For those planning on having gastric bypass or lap band surgery, know that the surgeon will take care of your body and walk you through nutrition and physical needs that you may have. Please, let him/her worry about that. YOU take care of your brain. Have patience with yourself and don’t beat your head against the wall when you eat too much sugar and you end up getting the runs. Don’t be angry with yourself because you didn’t chew enough and now you feel like your tuna sandwich is stuck in your chest. Allow yourself to mourn the loss and be gentle with your brain and emotions. You’ll need it to balance your checkbook after buying all of those new, sexy clothes.

"Be Yourself 'Cause That's All That Really Matters, Baby" - A Love Letter to Vonda Shepard

2011-04-30T02:20:00.000-07:00

I like going to the Target store at The District shopping center in Tustin because they blare music through speakers in the parking lot. When I get out of the car and walk to the entrance, I feel like my life suddenly has a soundtrack playing behind it…like in the movies. I’m still waiting for my timing to be just right so I can hear “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees when I get out of the car so I can do the John Travolta walk from “Saturday Night Fever”. (Anyone over 40 will understand that reference. Everyone else, rent the movie…then laugh at how funny I am.)

The other day, I realized that my life does indeed have a soundtrack and one of the principle musicians is Vonda Shepard. I first heard Vonda’s music in the late 80’s when I was a disc jockey at an adult contemporary radio in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her single “Don’t Cry Ilene” hooked me instantly and I’ve followed her career ever since. (Yes, Vonda was Vonda even before Ally McBeal! GASP!)

Most gay people have a time in their lives when they come out to others. For some, that stumble out of the closet is a little harder than others. Some actually come running out with feather boas and ass-less chaps. I however, eased my way out back in 1992, at the age of 24, with a promise to myself that I would no longer deny if asked. I wasn’t offering up the info, but I wasn’t going to deny it anymore if you asked me about my preference for one or the other.

During tough, emotional times most of us turn to music looking for answers, advice, and even direction. Working in radio, I was exposed to a lot of talented artists and it was Vonda’s music that spoke to me the most. I learned that you can only cry so many tears for something before you have to move on from “100 Tears Away”…

“All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away

Whatever it is that'll make you feel good
You can have if you want, if you knew that you could
You can have it all baby”

When I felt overwhelmed or sad, I’d hear Vonda in the back of my head cheering me on, “You Can Have It All, Baby!” It kept me going at times when I just wanted to stop. “She’s right,” I’d think. “What could I have if I finally starting believing that I could?”

Also in 1992, my father went through heart by-pass surgery. I’ll admit, my timing was a little off, but when my overbearing, German-born mother asked me point-blank if I was gay, I didn’t deny…staying true to the promise I made to myself. She responded by telling me not to tell my father because it would kill him in his weakened condition and, if he died, it would be my fault and she would never forgive me. Thanks mom! You always know how to make me feel better. That was the most devastating thing anyone has or ever will say to me. But I know deep in my heart that it was just something said during a stressful time. And after all, the Germans aren't wonderful communicators to begin with. The song “Cartwheels” played over and over in my head and I swore up and down that Vonda wrote it about my mother. “She obviously has a German mother, too,” I believed! It was a true reflection of the feelings I had towards my relationship with her. I was her “Schone Madela” (a yiddish/German term that means "pretty little girl") up until the day I told her I was gay. I still want to tell my mother she did nothing wrong. However, being the martyr she is, she’d never believe me.

Oh mama we'd sail away
Doing cartwheels on the front lawn everyday
And you'd sing "Here Comes The Sun"
Then we'd dance together
I thought it would last forever

I see my life fly on by
Like a soldier in the rain
With a shining road ahead of me
For once in my life I wanna be happy
Stop running from my memories
Being on the road sets me free... but sometimes

I want to come back home
I want to hear your voice say to me
Be yourself, 'cause that's all that matters baby

Oh mama you'd carry me away
On the rooftops and in the high trees
That's where I used to dream
I'd close my eyes and hear you sing
"Blackbird in the dead of night"

I see your life fly on by
Mama don't you be afraid
Look at all the love that you have made
Oh mama you want us to forgive you
But you did nothing wrong
You followed your road for so long...that sometimes

You want to come back home
You want it all to be the way it was
Shaynamaidala...doing cartwheels on the lawn

All the planes are out tonight
I see them flying...lighting up the sky

Again, in the back of my mind, there was Vonda telling me to be myself because that’s all that really matters. It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I was finally me! I was me for 16 more years and 3 more failed relationships. I was me, but not really. My inside and outside didn’t match. It still wasn’t right. Something was missing.

My father became ill in the summer of 2007 and I spent many hours visiting him in the hospital as he battled liver and kidney failure, MRSA (staph infection) and a host of other problems as his body started to shut down after a surgery to replace an old pacemaker. As he lay in hospice on his last day, I looked at his gray face and now frail body and wondered if he had done everything with his life that he had wanted. When he spoke of growing up in Germany, it seemed he was forced to pick up carpentry as a trade and hated it. He immigrated to the United States and then joined the Army. Did he do it because he liked the military or because he wanted to be sure he could provide for his family? Would he have rather been a Formula-1 race car driver or Forest Ranger? What about a Chef or a Movie Star? What would he have done had he not just done what others expected of him? And there was my wake-up call: Now, at the age of 40, what do I need to do for myself so that I don’t leave those same unanswered questions on my own death bed?

Be yourself, ‘cause that’s all that really matters, Kathy.

On Memorial Day of 2008, I took my first dose of testosterone and became Kevin. It was the most insane, yet liberating, thing I’ve ever done. But it was the thing that saved me from living another 40 years in a body that wasn’t mine and that horrible disease called, “What if”-itis.

As I quickly approach my 3 year anniversary of the start of my transition, I can’t even remember Kathy. I suppose it’s because she never left. I’m still that person. I laugh and cry at the same things. I still enjoy ice cold Dr. Pepper, bad 80’s movies, traveling, women, naps…and most of all, Vonda Shepard. Thank you, Vonda, for musically holding my hand through the many transitions of my life.

In February of 2002, as Kathy Weber, I had the pleasure of meeting Vonda Shepard backstage at the Paramount Theater in Denver, Colorado. She was fighting a nasty cold and it was obvious she was miserable, but she put on an amazing show. That night, she played “Cartwheels” and I cried as I sat in the audience and listened to my mother’s story. Tonight, April 29, 2011, as Kevin Weber, I saw Vonda perform at the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano, California. She played “Cartwheels” for me…and again I cried as she reaffirmed how important the musical soundtracks of our lives really are. It makes me wonder, who is on your soundtrack…and when will you tell them how much their music has affected you?

Thank you, Vonda. Your music gave me the strength to be myself...'cause that's all that really matters, baby.

Vonda and Kathy Weber, February 2002. Denver, Colorado.

Vonda and Kevin Weber, April 29, 2011. San Juan Capistrano, CA.

Civil Rights For Everyone...But Only If You're Exactly Like Me!

2010-11-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, the desire to sit and vomit thoughts from brain onto my laptop lately has been non-existent. I work at a job now where people talk "at" me all day and when I get off, I prefer silence around me. No ringing phones, no tapping keyboard keys, and certainly no voices.

I finally broke down last month and renewed my Sirius/XM radio subscription in my new car. They give you that 90-day free trial to get you hooked. On day 89, I realized I couldn't live without my CNN Headline News and "80's on 8" channels. Damn! I was marketed to and they won. Having been in the radio business since 1985, I had always been dead set against "pay" radio. Why pay for something you can get for free, right? Nah. There's something about hearing Duran Duran, Flock of Seagulls, Howard Jones, and Men Without Hats on an endless loop, commercial free, that makes the 15-bucks a month worth it.

One of the channels I flip to occasionally is Sirius OutQ, a channel devoted to the GLBT community. (Although, I have yet to hear a true FTM transgendered voice on there that wasn't just a guest.) The channel is littered with LGBT-focused programming for music, talk, politics, news, etc. One of the shows that's on during my drive to work is the "Michelangelo Signorile Show". Mr. Signorile boasts quite the impressive resume', including stints as a columnist at both "The Advocate" and "Out" magazines. He has also written a couple of books, including one on the coming out process. His show is very politically driven and he's very outspoken. (I wouldn't expect less from a radio person!) With the recent election still in the forefront of the media, Mr. Signorile asked for those who voted for Republican candidates to call in and basically explain why they would do such a thing. I had just enough time to hear "Ralph" call in from Maine. "Ralph" stated that he voted for Republican, Paul LePage for Governor and did so because he decided, this time around, to vote with his wallet. Signorile came unglued at this statement and called poor "Ralph" selfish for putting his wallet before his civil rights, as LePage is a known "homo hater". He then went on to tell "Ralph" that there's no way he could be a "proud gay man" for choosing to vote that way. "Ralph" simply stated that he chose a candidate this time who may be able to do better things for the economy and this is what he wanted for his family (a partner and adopted baby) at this point in time. He stated that sure, he'd like to get married at some point, but it's not that important to him right now.

I sat in my car, in the parking lot at work, unable to turn it off. I was incensed that a gay man, who chose to vote for what he thought would be best for his life and family at the time, would be berated so badly, ON THE RADIO, by ANOTHER GAY MAN for not voting for the Democratic candidate. It struck me odd that Signorile asked this caller if he thought LePage thinks of him as his equal and how could he vote for a man who would not think of him as his equal. I thought to myself, "Ralph, how could you listen to a man on the radio who obviously doesn't think of you as his equal right now because you didn't vote Democrat like ALL homosexuals are apparently supposed to do?" I had to shut it off. I couldn't listen to the GLBT community bite at itself any longer. The conversation was divisive and disrespectful.

I'm disappointed that a community that has built its platform on the notion that we're all so diverse, but inclusive and loving...would shun one of their own for the way he voted. It's ridiculous to think that any sort of "civil rights" measures for GLBTs will progress with the amount of fighting that goes on within the many sectors of the community. It's childish to me. When I started my transition from female to male, I lost a few lesbian friends because they hated men. WTF? Are you kidding me? Twinks hate Chubs or Gays hate Dykes or Leather hates Trannies. Right now I hate all of it and will be putting my charitable efforts not towards the GLBT community, but towards "secular" events. Tell me I'm not "proud" or call me "selfish" but that's how I'm VOTING to spend my time from now on.

Thank you to the "Michelangelo Signorile Show"! Today I learned that "diversity" in the LGBT community actually means...nothing.

Anger Breeds Anger...

2010-09-02T17:44:00.000-07:00

I knew when I hit the "New Post" button on the Blog Spot dashboard that this would be a quick one.

Christine and I took the opportunity to sit and watch "8: The Mormon Proposition" on pay-per-view last night. It's a documentary about how the Mormon's, headquarted in Utah, funnelled millions of dollars into California to help get Proposition 8 (no to gay marriage) passed. There's more to it, but that's it in a nutshell. It's one thing to ask your congregation for donations, but to tell your "followers" that they will basically be kicked out of your fold unless they contribute a certain amount of money (based on their income), is insane! I could go on and on about the asinine shit that was done under the guise of God, but I'd rather you see it and be disgusted by it yourself.

I'm sure you'll be able to rent it from Blockbuster online or Netflix. Enjoy.

My How Time Flies When You're Doing...Nothing.

2010-09-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Blogging came to a screeching halt when I realized I had too many other things on my plate including a work schedule that had me getting up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready for work...and in bed before nine each night because I was so exhausted from getting up so early. What a vicious cycle! While the work schedule remains in tact for a few more weeks, there's a light at the end of the tunnel which will allow me to sleep until noon if I want starting October 3rd. Do you even realize how happy that makes me and my natural sleep cycle?
Not being so tired all the time will give me more time to get my dream venture off the ground. The http://www.searchingformyself.com/ website is in transformation to SFM Creative, a creative company providing representation and various media to alternative and GLBT artists who traditionally have trouble finding representation with mainstream firms. The client list is already growing and it's an exciting time! I will have more details as they become available.
I'm off to the gym now. I'm having so much fun with my new body and I feel better than ever! Things feel great when you can finally let go and be who it is you were meant to be your entire life. Life if great! Go live it.

I'm Looking For You!

2010-05-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

There are so many changes around the corner, the biggest one is in regards to my website, http://www.searchingformyself.com/. It's getting a little facelift and I'm looking for your input, my trans family. What is missing from the trans-centered websites and blogs hovering on the "interspace" right now? Please email me your feedback, comments, suggestions, and emotional outburts. I'm looking at building a bigger and better informational website for YOU.

My next area of business involves finding a personal trainer, preferably in the SoCal area, who'd like to be part of a personal project that I'm working on. Trans or trans friendly and well-versed on trans health/workout needs are a plus. Please email me at thatguy@searchingformyself.com for more information on the project.

Urination Meditation

2010-05-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

With a recent jump into a healthier lifestyle, not only do the more obvious changes occur like better food choices and better-fitting clothes, but certain bodily functions seem to evolve as well. My decreased soda intake and increased water consumption (I aim for a gallon a day), sends me to the restroom at least once an hour...and that includes the hours between 1am and 9am when I'm trying to sleep! I'm still trying to learn the finer art of crawling out of bed with the least amount of rustle and tumble to avoid waking up my slumbering girlfriend. On most nights, she doesn't skip a snore, but on some nights I'll get a sleepy, "Are you okay?" from her dazed lips. I rationalize that I'm trading in a sound night's sleep for better health and clearer skin. Giving up soda has been the hardest challenge of my life. I'm a drug addict and it's my crack. I will still have one maybe once or twice a week. The bulk of it has been replaced by Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper which is being phased out, as well. After all, that shit will kill you, too. What's a druggie to do?

A seminar in Laguna Beach with James Van Praagh a few weeks ago put the thought of routine meditation into my head. It's not something that I've practiced on a regular basis but have dabbled in occasionaly. Today I decided to hit the beach with my towel and sunscreen, pretzel myself into a dysfunctional-looking lotus position, and meditate my ass off. The process of being able to clear your thoughts of everything around you, including work and relationships and unpaid bills, is a daunting task at first. However, once you begin to focus on only your toes and move that thought slowly up your body, until you've reached the top of your head, you realize that an entire 45 minutes has passed and you're feeling fresh as a daisy. I suppose the thundering crash of the waves and chirping birds helped with the process, too. God, I love Mother Nature. I've decided that medidation is a much needed, if not vital, part of my life that I need to ignore no longer. There's time in my day, before work, that's available to me and I need to snag it. What's keeping you from taking your 10 or 15 minutes each day to clear your head and reboot?

To Scoot Or Not To Scoot...

2010-04-21T01:51:00.000-07:00

As I was winding my way through Laguna Canyon today, on my way to work in Irvine, I was tempted to put another buck's worth of fuel in the tank of my scooter and just keep going. The temperature was in the 70's and I wanted to go play. Unfortunately, I had to make a quick decision...turn left onto Laguna Canyon Road or end up on the freeway on an imported piece of plastic with two wheels that goes no faster than 65 miles-per-hour downhill. Besides, it's illegal to ride anything less than a 250cc on the freeways here. I'd surely hold up traffic, get honked at, and then get a hefty ticket on top of it. I gave in and went to work. Boo!

I'm taking to the friendly skies on Friday morning to head back to Colorado for a short visit with my mother. Planes are great to get you there fast and by car, the trip is only about 18 hours (and gives you an excuse to spend the night in Las Vegas). As my bizarre brain often does, it veered off course and started to wonder if I would be able to make a trip back ON MY SCOOTER! How long would it take me on my scooter, if possible at all? Would I freeze to death as reached the foot of the Rocky Mountains? Visions of the Donner party danced through my head. Basically, is it possible to get from California to Colorado without touching a major interstate? (Highways are okay, legally.)

Google Maps to the rescue:

View Larger Map

Removing the major freeways and toll roads, Google tells me that my trip will take about 1 day and 1 hour...by car. I imagine the more frequent gas stops (the scooter only holds a little over a gallon of gas.), the slower speeds, and the downright exhaustion of having my ass on a scooter all day should at least double that time. Let's say 3 days just to be safe. Of course, my curious nature will force me to pull over at every minor "scenic overlook" and "World's Largest Ball of Twine" exhibit, so let's tack on another day and a half for that. I'm settling on five days, by scooter, Cali to Colorado. Doable? Perhaps. The trip is about 1200 miles each way. With the scooter getting about 60 miles-per-gallon, at about 3 bucks a gallon, I'm looking at a total gas bill around $120 with roughly 20 stops, each way, at a gas station. Yikes! Twenty stops, just for gas? I'm exhausted already!

Breakdown:

Miles: Approx. 1200 each way
Time for trip (one way): 5 days (60 hours on a vibrating scooter)
Stops for gas: 20
Gas Bill: $60 each way = $120 total
Price of admission for "World's Largest Ball of Yarn" exhibit: $5

I've decided that when I have a good two weeks of extra vacation stacked up, I'm going to do it! Life's just too short to let this adventure go. I'm already making a list of things I'll need to put in my backpack.

Who's with me?

I See Dead People...

2010-04-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I was recently given the wonderful gift of tickets to see James Van Praagh's "Spirit Circle" in Laguna Beach. For those who don't know who James is, you'll find it interesting that he was the original creator of the television series "Ghost Whisperer", and according to his own website, "James is a survival evidence medium, meaning that he is able to bridge the gap between two planes of existence, that of the living and that of the dead, by providing evidential proof of life after death via detailed messages."

Throughout my life, I've been fascinated with the possibilities of aliens living among us, lost worlds, UFOs, and the dead haunting us from the grave when their last, living wishes weren't carried out. I hoped that people I had lost were indeed watching over me and guiding me towards a better path...or at least having a hearty chuckle over my missteps.

As we sat in the conference room awaiting James' arrival, my girlfriend whispered, "I hope your father comes tonight." That thought had crossed my mind from the moment I heard I was going to the event back in December. Was James real? Could he "summon" the dead? Would my father show up to tell me some deep, dark family secret that would change my life forever? Am I crazy for even slightly believing in this?

Needless to say, my father did not speak through James. However, plenty of other non-living family members visited a few people in the audience of 120 people. A wheelchair-bound woman crashed the para-normal party to tell her living brother and mother that she was given her disabling disease as a punishment for stoning a woman to death in a former life. Someone's grandfather spoke up to tell the granddaughter he'd never met that he collected books in his after-life and is giving himself the education that was never afforded to him while living. Another father broke-in to tell his daughter that the spirits are working on helping her find an affordable nursing home in Holland for her sickly uncle (his brother).

Do people want to speak to their lost loved ones so much that they'll believe it to be true? Situations that we may otherwise laugh at, can be believable because our hearts and emotions are effected to deeply. If James Van Praagh said that my father was here and was eating his favorite dish of spaghetti and to tell me that he loves me and he's watching over me, would I believe it? Yes, I'd want to believe it...but I'd be skeptical because he really didn't particularly care for spaghetti at all.

My dad. He's watching everyday.

Do you believe? I do...to a point. Believe because it's truly something that your loved one would have said or done. Sometimes we want to believe so badly that we'll believe anything to nuture the ache we feel for their loss. I ache for my father everyday and I know, in my own heart, he's around and watching.

My Name Is Kevin and I Am Officially Old...

2010-03-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

My New Frame of Mind

I had an appointment with my eye doctor yesterday. I hate the eye doctor like people hate the dentist. (Ironically, I LOVE going to the dentist.) For me, because I have Type II Diabetes, I get extra attention from the doc in the form of dilation and eyeball poking. It's just downright gross and uncomfortable. One of the side effects of having Diabetes is high eye pressure that can result in optical nerve damage, headaches, and glaucoma.

I will admit that I wouldn't have stepped into the doctor's office had I not had trouble reading signs lately while riding my scooter or driving my girlfriend's car. I lucked out as a kid and was born with better than 20/20 bionic vision. My poor sister, unfortunately, wore coke-bottle-thick glasses much of her life. (I think she literally shit herself the day she was allowed to get contact lenses.) Glasses became a staple of my parent's daily life at middle-age and now, it's my turn to face the optical demon. I, Kevin Weber, need glasses.

I'm heading into this endeavor with a positive spin...it's an opportunity to accessorize my wardrobe. Now that I wear suits to work, I can look even more "Mad Men" than ever! Eat your heart out Don Draper. I picked out a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses, too; a tribute to you Don Henley and the Boys of Summer.

Just Try...

2010-03-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

Living in Laguna Beach has afforded me at least one great thing and that's GREAT FOOD! Holy crap, there are some great places to eat here! Pick your poison: Italian, Mexican, Vegetarian, Contemporary California, and Fine American Dining. They're all well represented here in the O.C. Unfortunately, too much of a good thing leads to Kevin's ever-expanding waistline.

I try to walk through town as much as I can but now that I'm back at work forty hours a week, I've been slacking. Luckily, I have an employer that values healthy employees. They realize that healthier employees miss less days of work due to illness. I am fortunate that one of the "health" benefits of working for this particular company is an on-site gym with free personal training. Yep, I said it, F-R-Double-E, FREE! Why wouldn't you take advantage of that benefit? I've been visiting the gym four days a week for an hour. At $50/hr on average for a personal trainer around here, I'm getting an extra $200 in my paycheck each week.

When I first started with my trainer, she asked me, "What is your short-term goal?"

"The OC Marathon's 5k," I replied.

"That's do-able. What's your long-term goal?"

"The Disneyland half-marathon in September and then a triathlon and a mud run."

She smiled, as if given a plate of chocolate-covered challenges, and asked how soon I could start. I trotted into the locker room and changed into my workout gear. You never know how really out of shape you are until you have a trainer standing next to you pushing you to your limits. What you think is your stopping point, is probably just your warm-up.

Yes, I'm fat and out of shape...but I'm in better shape than she or I thought. Each day, my limit is pushed and my self-confidence grows. Will I finish the OC 5k? Probably not. But I'm going to try...and that's more than I've ever done before.

Oh, Yes I Did!

2010-01-17T23:25:00.001-08:00

Yep, I did it! I cried. Damnit! I said I wouldn't do it.

My girlfriend and I decided to cook dinner together tonight and watch the Golden Globe awards. We just saw "Sherlock Holmes" today and were interested in seeing if Robert Downey, Jr., could pull off a win for best actor. But, more importantly, we were rooting for Mo'Nique to bring home a statue for her portrayal of Mary Jones in "Precious". What? You haven't seen "Precious"? I'll admit, it's a tough movie to watch. You don't want to believe that things like that are going on in the USA while we ship millions of dollars off to other countries everyday for various things. But, this isn't a political post. This is a post that begs you to go see "Precious" to see for yourself what an amazing actress Mo'Nique is. See what Mariah Carey, Paula Patton, Gabourey Sidibe, Lenny Kravitz, and Sherri Shepherd can do when they're stripped of their makeup and entourages and bare their souls. I'm disappointed that "Precious" didn't win the Globe for best picture but I'm happy for Mo'Nique. So happy in fact, that I cried as I shoved my face full of a home-cooked chicken soft taco. That's right, a grown man, sitting in his leather recliner, sobbing like an idiot with shredded cheese, sour cream, and tears dribbling down his goatee.

Precious Trailer:

Mo'Nique's touching acceptance speech:

Burn, Baby, Burn! Titty Inferno...

2010-01-12T22:22:00.003-08:00

I have a secret video that I've been dying to share with you. It's the New Year's Eve burning of my last 3 bras. Now, with pecs of steel, I have no use for Herr Otto Titsling's invention.

Every morning I wake and think, "I really should post that bra burning video today." But I never do. I don't know why, really. Well, yes, I do. It's a very personal, emotional moment. It's a final goodbye to those "not-so-funbags" that I carried around for almost 30 years. They were huge, always in the way, and I hated them with passion. Yet, it's a really weird feeling not to have them. I still walk out the door everyday feeling like I've forgotten something. No, not "them"...but like I've forgotten to put on a BRA! However, it only takes a few seconds to be reminded of how free I am now and how much better I feel without them. Physically, my back feels better, I've lost weight, I can run and not get black eyes, and my shirts fit better. Emotionally, I'm finally ME.

Not my bra, but you get the point!

So why don't I share that video? It's takes me awhile to let people in...deeper. I've been sharing my journey with you for almost 2 years now and my top surgery was the biggest step of my transition. It's what I wanted most. Right now, I have no plans for bottom surgery. Having a penis really isn't on the agenda. I don't need one to feel whole. Penis' alone don't make men...we all know that. The bra burning video is my personal goodbye to that person name Kathy that I grew up with.

I'm happy to say that now, 6 weeks after my surgery, I've healed up rather nicely. My scars are still a bit fresh as I had a small infection creep in around week 3. The doctor prescribed more antibiotics and it flushed everything away. A couple of stitches were being a bit bitchy on my right side, underneath my right arm, but those seem to be calming down at last. I can finally reach into the upper kitchen cupboards, above my head, and pull down the cereal bowls without help. (Good news for my Cap'n Crunch addiction.) The swelling is non-existent and I have a pretty damn good-lookin' chest, if I don't say so myself! I had a wonderful doctor, surgery center, and a reasonable price. I'd be more than happy to give you all the details about it. Just shoot me an email with any questions you may have.

My, My, My...

2009-12-28T17:55:00.002-08:00

It's a beautiful world when you take the time to stop and look around.

Sunset from the Greeter's Restaurant back deck on 12/23/09. Laguna Beach, CA.

I had to stop my scooter on the hilltop, around the corner from our apartment and snap this. 12/28/09 Laguna Beach, CA

View from Heisler Park just a few minutes before. 12/28/2009 Laguna Beach, CA

My Life Below the "D-List"...

2009-12-23T21:24:00.002-08:00

"Hey Kathy, it's great to see you!"
"Great to see you! Thanks for coming out!"
"Why'd they put you right next to the bathroom? Are you having stomach problems today?"
"Nah, it's all part of being on the D-List. This isn't some fancy Lance Armstrong book signing or anything like that."
"That sucks."
Pose. Smile. *click*
"Happy Kwanzaa or Hanukkah...or whatever."
"Thanks, Kathy. Have a great New Year."
*chuckle*

It's Raining, It's Pouring, The Trans-Guy Is Snoring...

2009-12-07T10:53:00.003-08:00

I was convinced that everyday the weather in Orange County was sunny and 70 degrees. For a little more than three weeks, it had become routine that I would put on shorts, flip-flops, and a t-shirt...in November. I was finding it a little unreal. The weather never seemed to change.

The clouds rolled in late yesterday afternoon and this morning I awoke to the glorious sound of raindrops hitting the tiled walkway outside. It's a different rain than what I'm used to in Colorado. When it rains in Colorado, more often than not, you're running from the lightning, too. Here, it's just a steady, quiet, stream of relaxing rainfall. I guess it DOES rain in southern California. Stupid Albert Hammond! What did he know?

KTLA NEWS STORY

Now where's my umbrella? I need to walk to the grocery store and pick up a few things...I wish it would stop raining.

In And Out Of...Consciousness...

2009-12-04T18:21:00.001-08:00

Well, it's finally done! Something that I thought would take years to plan and save up for...my top surgery was completed on the morning of Monday, November 30, 2009 at Premier Surgery Clinic in Colton, California by Dr. Ben Childers and his staff. I've heard and used the term "mixed emotions" before but now I can say that I've truly felt them. I want to cry tears of relief, tears of happiness, tears of saddness (mourning the loss of my breasts for some reason), and tears of exhaustion. I want to laugh and giggle uncontrollably, yet scream at the top of my lungs. Yes, I am feeling every emotion under the sun. Yet, the pain killers I'm taking right now are keeping me from doing much of anything. (This is probably a good thing.)

I think my girlfriend is starting to get a little frustrated with me because I seem to be nodding off on her right in the middle of our conversations. I'm a lightweight when it comes to any sort of medications or painkillers. Give me one Vicodin and I'm out like a light. I really don't understand how addicts function on these things. I'd be a drooling, incoherent mess. Luckily, I only need the stronger stuff when I've been moving around too much, like going to post-op doctor's visits or showering. Otherwise, the Tylenol is sufficient. I'm amazed at the lack of pain there has actually been. The worst of it has been the incision sites for the drains on the sides of my chest and where they did the liposuction. The actual incisions along the pectoral line, don't hurt at all. My nipples are beginning to itch a little. That's a good indication that they're healing and the nipple graft is taking. After all, no one wants their nipple to die and fall off, right?

I will admit, I had large, saggy breasts. My nipples have pointed south most of my life. Now, they're where they're supposed to be and it's a little odd. The doctor has sewn these weird gauze things onto them and my new "man nips" will be unveiled next Wednesday at my final post-op visit. For those who didn't know, the male nipple areola is smaller than the female's. The nipples are also placed differently on the chest.

To help with swelling, I've been placing bags of peas on my chest and kicking back in my favorite leather recliner. As a matter-of-fact, that's how I've been sleeping since Monday night just to make sure I don't rollover onto my sides. I had a drain coming out of each side of my chest. Those were removed today and I feel I little more comfortable about moving around. My girlfriend, Christine, has been a trooper about emptying the puss/blood/flesh-filled drains every few hours. We both have weak stomachs and she took on the job without complaint.

Eat your peas...or use them as a cold pack.

Speaking of weak stomachs, I amuse those around me with mine. I can watch the blood and guts of others and totally get off on horror movies...but if the blood and guts are mine, watch out...I WILL PASS OUT!!! I had my first post-op visit on Wednesday and got so worked up about the doctor taking off the bandages for the first time, that I passed out just as the doctor walked into the office. Luckily, I was sitting down and Christine was there with me. She said that I went pale and my eyes rolled into the back of my head...then lights out for Kevin. The next thing I know, the doctor was asking me if I was okay and looking around for some juice. So there I was, with my legs propped up above my heart for about 15 minutes, sipping cranberry juice until I felt better. Yes, I'm a wuss.

With my drains. About 30 seconds before I passed out.

As I heal and the pain meds wear off over the next few days, I will write up a step by step account of what happened for those getting ready to go through their own chest surgery. I've been receiving a lot of emails about the process, my surgeon, the cost, etc. I would love to tell you all about it as soon as the fog clears a little from my head!

Before I go, I'd like to take a moment to mention that today would have have been my father's 77th birthday. Happy birthday, dad. I love you, miss you, and think about you EVERYDAY.

You matter,
Kevin

What's That Old Foreigner Song Again?...

2009-11-21T19:55:00.001-08:00

"Hot blooded check it and see. I've got a fever of a hundred and three." - Foreigner, Hot Blooded

or is it...

"Cold as ice, you know that you are. Cold, cold, as, as, ice, as cold as ice to me." - Foreigner, Cold As Ice

I count myself lucky to be one of the fortunate that has had the opportunity to grow up in "Colorful Colorado". Colorado is one of a handful of states that truly has all 4 seasons. Summer's are hot and dry, winter brings heaps of snow and freezing temperatures, spring is fresh and dewy, and the fall leaves are as colorful and bright as they come.

Not all Coloradoans are skiers. I've tried it a few times and I'll admit, I suck at it. Let me tell you, when you're a sucky skier, it makes you hate it, too. Strapping two planks to my feet and flinging myself down a cold, steep mountainside is not my idea of fun. I'm a water person. I'd rather be in a lake or ocean, splashing around.

I now count myself lucky that I have the opportunity to live in Laguna Beach, California. I'm just steps from the beach and have been living in shorts and t-shirts since I arrived here a little over a week ago. I've been eyeing wetsuits, surfboards, scuba gear, and the like, since I pulled into town. I fear I may grow gills before the new year arrives.

The weather here is perfect. How can you not like sunshine and 70 degrees everyday? In November? The nights dip down to 50 degrees or so...shorts weather for Colorado natives. As soon as the temperature hits above 40 degrees in Colorado, we break out our shorts and t-shirts and worship the sun. Yep, you'll see people skiing in bikinis, too! My girlfriend gets a kick out of the fact that I laugh at every single Californian who wears a scarf, winter jacket, and Elmer Fudd hat as soon as the sun goes down...and it's still 68 degrees.

Are only her feet cold? I don't understand this typical California look.

I shake my head and laugh hysterically every time I see it...then get an elbow in the ribs. I suppose when you've lived here for so long, anything below 70 can seem chilly. However, for a cold-blooded transfer like me, it's absolute heaven! I'm looking forward to being in my flip-flops for Christmas and New Year's Eve!

I imagine the joke will be on me come July and August when the temperatures hit the triple-digits and I melt like a dish of butter left out in the sun. However, I hope to be surfin' and divin' by then...keeping cool in my new underwater home.

"Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'...

2009-11-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

...keep that Budget Rental Truck Rollin'". Damn, who knew that Colorado and California were so far away from each other when you're driving a 12' moving van, no faster than 65mph, up and down mountain passes, all day long?
My overnight stop in Las Vegas felt so far away. I was hoping to get there early enough to catch part of Terri Clark's show at the Silverton Casino (which I just found out about on the radio as I was outside of town), but that went out the window as soon as I sat down on the edge of the bed in my newly remodeled Stratosphere Hotel room. (Pleasantly surprised! The hotel was nearing a run-down status, but they've dumped some money into it recently and it looks great! Plus, it's a steal as far as price.). Shoes and clothes off...bedtime. I was kind of hoping that Las Vegas would have an all CSI: Las Vegas television channel. No such luck.
Waking up in Las Vegas is quite a let down from going to bed in Las Vegas. No lights. No fanfare. Just brown. It's time for a shower, breakfast...and a trip to the Coca-Cola and M&M's stores before I head to Laguna Beach, my new home!

More details and photos coming soon...

Mourning A Voice of the Community...

2009-10-31T06:18:00.002-07:00

If you read anything today, click on any link, click and read this:

Pam's House Blend:: Michele de Lafreniere has passed away.

"I wouldn't go through all this if this was not what I was. I wouldn't risk giving up my life, my family, to go through all this crap unless this is who I really am." - Michele de Lafreniere

Thank you,

Kevin

If You Wear Moon Boots, Can You Moon Walk?

2009-10-30T16:16:00.001-07:00

After 2 1/2 days of snow and downright "icky" weather, the sun finally came out today. It melted our snowpacked streets and parking lots into rivers of slush and ice water that would seep into your shoes if you weren't careful getting out of the car.

As I was dodging those messy puddles in the Safeway parking lot this afternoon, I couldn't help but to think about those old Moon Boots of mine. Any kid who lived in a wintery climate from the early 70's to the late 80's, knows exactly of what I speak. (My Hawaiian-bred girlfriend asked me today, "What are Moon Boots?" GASP! BITE YOUR TONGUE!) Of course, Moon Boots are still available. They are manufactured by an Italian company called Tecnica, http://www.moonboots.us/. You can still pick your color...even rainbows if you'd like!

I, unfortunately didn't have "original" Moon Boots. I kicked around in blue, KMart knock-offs, with silver stripes. I didn't care. I still called them Moon Boots and they made me feel invincible. I could stomp into the largest, slushiest puddle and not get my feet wet. I could build snow fort after snow fort after snow fort, all day long, and not end up with frost-bitten toes.

As we entered the late 80's and 90's, knock-off Moon Boots turned into some sort of sneaker-boot-hybrid...think Napoleon Dynamite. Ugly. Fade to black. The death of the Moon Boot.

Yes, I will admit, I seriously thought of jumping online and ordering up a shiny, new pair of Moon Boots for myself today. My feet are already frosting over and it's not even December yet. Laugh if you want, I'll laugh right back when the wetness infiltrates your Prada shoes the next time it snows around here.

Note: I think I'll get these...

Looking In The Mirror...

2009-10-29T10:38:00.002-07:00

I remember, so many years ago, watching The Sonny & Cher show. Yes, I was young. As a matter-of-fact, I was just about the same age as Chastity Bono was. I loved the singing and the dancing...and especially the little blonde-haired girl who would show up every now and then in her parent's arms. How did those two dark-haired people make a little blonde girl? And where did she get those dimples? I was fascinated!

Earlier this year, more than 30 years later, I became just as fascinated with that same little girl, for she had lived her life almost exactly as I had...with an outside not matching her inside. Chastity Bono was to become Chaz Bono, and at 40 years-old, finally live his life as he had always wanted to...as the man he truly was. I read articles, watched news stories, and watched as my own life story was told, through Chaz. I, at 40, had made that same decision...live my life on the outside as I had been living it all these years on the inside, as a man. I was looking at the "man in the mirror". Though our lives had been lived differently "economically" and "socially" these 40 years, we basically had lived them the same. No matter what was going on around us, inside we shared the EXACT SAME struggle.

Tonight, Chaz gives his first television interview to Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight. I've seen small clips of the interview over the past few days and still see and hear myself in every word and emotion that Chaz puts forth. Whether or not you agree with me or Chaz or anyone in transition isn't my concern. You believe what you believe. Where that comes from (your parents, environment, heredity, etc.) I don't know. The point is that you understand that no matter where you come from, where or how you were raised, we all basically have the same issues. Watch Chaz tonight. Listen to him tonight. It wouldn't matter if he were raised in Hollywood, California or Skokie, Illinois, he would still be transitioning. A person who makes $21,000 a year worries about being overweight just as much as someone who makes $2,550,000 a year. A death in the family hurts just as much for someone in Tampa, Florida as it does for someone in Salt Lake City, Utah. Watch tonight and see Chaz as the human being he is...not as a celebrity's son. Want happiness for him...just as you would want people to want happiness for you and your family members. After all, if it were about the availability of money...he'd have done it a long time ago, don't you think?

Chaz has said before that his only regret about the whole thing is, "that I didn't do it sooner." I agree. That's my only regret. I've wasted too many years and wish everyday I could have them back. Honestly, I don't think I would have been emotionally prepared, at 21 or 23, for all that I've been through in the last year and a half of my transition. It takes strength and courage and a wonderful support system. I guess it has just taken me, and possibly Chaz, this long to put it all together.

Good luck and much strength to all of my transitioning brothers and sisters.

You matter,
Kevin

"Healing"
By: Michael English and Wynonna

Say goodbye, to yesterday
Nothing standing in my way
Never was a guarantee
In my heart I know
there's got to be

[Chorus]
Healin'
Gonna take some time
I'm on the mend
I'm healin'
Starting over at the end
and feeling
stronger than I've ever been
I'm healin'

I can see me pulling through
Finding out I'm someone who
Is moving on and letting go
Picking up the pieces on the road to...

[Chorus]

Chapter's been written
It's all in the past
I kept turnin' pages
And I'm here at last

[Chorus]

I'm Healin'
Stronger than I've ever been
I'm Healin'
Gonna take some time
I'm on the mend
I'm Healin'

Real Weekend In Orange County

2009-10-12T18:29:00.001-07:00

I got to spend a beautiful weekend with my girl, Kiki, in Laguna Beach (her town) this past Saturday and Sunday. We walked the beach, had some great food, some scenic drives, looked at "for rent" signs on area apartments...all while her poor nose rained snot from a horrible cold. She's a trooper.

Laguna Beach, Huntington Beach...okay, anything with the word "beach" in it...is my kind of town. I've spent most of my life here in the Colorado Rockies and I must say, I'm ready for a warmer, slower climate. Mark me down for a new hometown where I can walk around in shorts and flip-flops everyday. I enjoyed breakfasts and lunches at sunny, sidewalk cafe's where dogs are welcomed and treated like royalty, people actually said "good morning" to each other, and not one waiter or waitress rushed you out before you finished the last drop of your coffee or glass of wine. Come in, relax, enjoy the atmosphere and great food, stay as long as you'd like. You know what? The next time I come, I might just never leave.

Emmys!

2009-09-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

September 21, 2009

Emmys!

I love awards shows and the Emmy's are my annual favorites. I was excited to see Neil Patrick Harris as this year's host. He's such a talented guy. He's done tv, movies, and broadway and truly earned this chance to host. He did better than any of the other hosts have done in many years before him!

A few of the winners were predictable. We knew "Mad Men' would win best drama. "30 Rock" was a shoe-in for best comedy. I was crossing my fingers, though, that Jim Parsons of "Big Bang Theory" would win for best actor in a comedy. His version of Sheldon is priceless and the episode where Sheldon wants to clone Leonard Nimoy is one the funniest tv shows of last season.

Yes, I'm a tv junkie and I'm proud of it. The new season of "Survivor" started last week and there's already a horrible villian on one of the tribes. "Two and a Half Men" and "Big Bang Theory" start their seasons tonight and there's a promising crop of new shows this time around, as well.

People fear the demise of Network tv with such quality shows as Dexter, Weeds, and the United States of Tara on "pay tv"....I say, "Pfffft...Sara Sidle is back on CSI this season. Bite Me!"

Name Changes

2009-09-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

Most of my email lately has been concerning name changes. While I can't give any legal advice, I can certainly share my own personal experience in regards to my name change. I will warn you, it's a trail of paperwork and involves A LOT of hurry-up-and-wait.

I live in El Paso County, Colorado, and for your legal, adult name change, you'll first need two background checks. The first thing on your "to do" list should be to get fingerprinted! YAY! You'll need to obtain two fingerprint cards for that. You can get printed at your local police station or find a shipping/copy place that is authorized to do it. I found a shipping place in downtown Colorado Springs called "Maggie's Shipping Shoppe" (719-578-8654), at the corner of Costilla and Wahsatch, that costs a few bucks less than the police department. You'll have to fill out the cards with most of your infomation (name, address, height, weight, hair color, etc.) while you're there. I can't remember exactly what I ended paying anymore but it was in the area of $12 to $15 for the two. $10 for the fingerprinting and then $2 per card. Shop around if you have the time, energy, and desire to save a buck or two.

Drop one card in the mail to the FBI with a money order for $18.00. Wait a couple of weeks and send off the second fingerprint card to your state's bureau of investigation. The fee for Colorado is $16.50. It takes a number of weeks to get these back and because the FBI takes longer to do theirs, you'll want to send that one off first so you get them back around the same time.

Once I had my background checks back, I went to my state's "self-help" online services and found the forms for an adult legal name change. They're actually pretty easy to fill out. Just read everything and fill it out completely. If you think you need help filling them out, email me and I can help you through them, or there are plenty of local paralegals who will do it for a few bucks. Don't let the forms scare you.

The link for Colorado's site is: Colorado State Adult Name Change Forms

I'll take some time this weekend to start researching and posting the links for each state, if I can find them, on my homepage.

I trotted off to the county courthouse with my two background checks, name change forms, and some cash and waited in line at the clerk's office. Basically, you're filing in the same office where people file any sort of paperwork including name changes, restraining orders, etc. Amazingly, I was in and out of there in about 15 minutes. They take your forms, stamp them, have you raise your right hand and swear that everything is true and take a bunch of money from you. (In my case, 90 bucks!) The website for my county courthouse said it would be $69, so luckily I brought extra money with me! Stupid inflation!!!

Now, you wait. Yes...patience is golden. (Or is that silence? I always forget.) In a few business days, you'll get your papers back with the judge's signature on them. The paper you receive back, is the one that gives you permission to print your name change in your local paper. You must publish it 3 times within 21 days of the date it was signed by the judge. The paper knows the process and has a standard fee for doing it. (Here in the Springs, we have two places it can be published. The Gazette daily paper AND the Daily Transcript. I've lived here 30 years and have never heard of the latter. But, I did find out that it is cheaper. So, again, shop around.) Once it has been published, most papers will send you a confirmation, on their letterhead, that it has been printed. You must take that proof, BACK to the courthouse, show it to the clerk, and claim your new name. WOOT! For me, it cost me $20 for each copy of the name change "decree" (or whatever). They will give them to you that day. Plan on getting at least two or three. Remember, you'll be changing your driver's license, social security card, health insurance, cell phone, utilities, and whatever else is legally in your name. If some of those companies are out of your neighborhood, you will need to send them certified proof that your name has legally changed. Yes...pain in the ass...but an awesome feeling.

Poof! Slap my ass and call me Kevin!

Again, I'll starting posting some state links as I find them. Good luck to each and every one of you! You're in for some exciting times.

Panoramania...

2009-09-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

September 07, 2009

Panoramania...

Just wanted to post a cool photo of Christine and I on our way up Pikes Peak this past Saturday. Look at those storm clouds in the back. Luckily, it passed quickly and totally missed us.

2009-09-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

September 05, 2009

14,000 Feet High and Climbing...

Colorado graced us with another amazing weather day today. My sweetie is in town for the long, holiday weekend and we had the chance to sleep in, then sit downtown at the Olive Branch and have a healthy, energizing breakfast.

I talked Christine into a nice, "relaxing", white-knuckle drive up the Pikes Peak Highway in Cascade and showed my Hawaiian-bred girl what it feels like to nearly pass out at 14,000 feet in altitude. It looked like rain (and maybe even some snow at the summit) for a few minutes but passed through very quickly. We were left with temps in the mid-70's at the base of the peak and mid-50's at the summit. Perfect!

Kiki was kind to always point out that there were no guardrails along the road the entire way up. I guess that was her way of saying (gently) that I was driving too close to the edge for her taste. It literally made me want to jump off a cliff.

I've never been a big drinker but there's a great place at the base of Pikes Peak called "Colorado Wines" that has a tremendous selection of local wines. I know Kiki is a wine connoisseur and I wanted to give her the chance to try some. (I was also a bit curious about what Colorado had to offer in the way of wines.) We sat by the creek, had a great lunch, and sampled some delicious local wines. (Road Kill Red from Palisades for me and S. Rhodes Pinot Noir from Hotchkiss for her. Both excellent choices!) My girl was happy with her libation.

Tomorrow we're taking a trek to Estes Park and hunting down (not literally) some Elk in Rocky Mountain National Park. Hopefully there won't be too many tourists hogging up the beautiful scenery and wildlife. I have secret dinner reservations at a quiet, romantic restaurant in the mountains outside of Estes Park that's a well-kept secret to all but the locals.

I'll post a new photo album with all of the beautiful pictures soon. I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday weekend with your friends and family. Gotta get back to my sexy girl...and the Texas vs. UH Women's Volleyball game. (Do we know how to have fun or WHAT?)

Bumper Snickers...

2009-08-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2009

Bumper Snickers...

I saw a massive SUV with my least favorite bumper sticker on it on my way home from the dentist today. It's that one that reads, "Our Forefathers Called And Want Their Country Back." What kind of stupid shit is that? Do people stop and think before they slap that crap on their cars and announce their stupidity to the world?

As I sat behind him at the red light, I had to hold myself back from walking up to his rolled down window and exclaim, "You're right! Let's give it back to them...Hand over your cell phone, your car keys, that navigation system suctioned to your dash, those fancy tennis shoes, your Monster energy drink, and every other modern day convenience you have, you idiot. Our "forefathers" didn't have any of that, so you shouldn't either. Oh, and make sure, as you're walking your stupid ass home, you're figuring out how to tell your wife that she doesn't have the right to vote anymore, too. She should probably just be at home barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, making your dinner, while you're in the barn fucking the slaves. Now shoo.

Can we live today by what was "supposedly" written a billion years ago in the Bible? Not really. Things change. The Earth erodes. The air is less breathable. Modern man has invented stuff that is both good and bad. We have to accommodate and acclimate ourselves and not take things so literally.

Can we live today by what was written so long ago in the Constitution by our "Forefathers"? Not really. We were running from the British back then...establishing a new country. We had to make some rules, people. I'm thinking that some of those rules don't apply anymore or at least need to be modified a little. We're a little more apt to announce our love for the same sex now than we were back than for fear of a severe flogging in the town square. And our Wiccans are a little happier now that the Salem Witch Trials are a thing of the past.

Yes, change is not ALWAYS good. Mankind has invented some pretty shitty stuff in the past century. But I truly believe that change and invention is good. Personally, I have NO desire to have my future children or grandchildren walk 12 miles, uphill, without shoes, in the snow, just to go to school...like I (and my forefathers) did. Embrace change.

Put Your Breast Foot Forward...

2009-08-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

August 19, 2009

Put Your Breast Foot Forward...

I have to hand it to my gal, Christine, she is one of the funniest and most creative peeps I've ever met. She's such a "googler" and I make fun of her all of the time for it. I can't open my mouth without her being on google either fact-checking or getting me more info on the subject IMMEDIATELY.

One night we were laying in bed talking about my upcoming top surgery and we were talking about "phantom breasts" and whether or not we'd like to have some sort of "memory" (or should I say "mammory") of them. She came up with a brilliant idea! We're going to cast them and make BOOKENDS!!! How insanely genius is that? A shelf in our home dedicated to all of our LGBT books and info collected over the years held together at each end by MY BOOBS! OUTSTANDING!

Yes, it kinda sorta started off as a little joke, but as I started "googling" for more info, I came across a wonderful site that I'd like everyone to check out, especially since October is coming up and that, as we all should know, is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

Check out: Breast Impressions Website

It's Breast Impressions, Inc., an organization out of Tulsa, Oklahoma that raises breast cancer awareness through art. Awesome, huh? You can purchase a "Breast Impression" kit for just 40 bucks, make a mold of your boobages and make some art out of them. They have some cool pictures with ideas up for you to look at.

So, ladies...and men with man-boobs...let's make some art with our breastssesses and support a great organization at the same time.

And thanks sexybutt for that great idea! We'll do YOU next!

You're From Jersey?

2009-08-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

There's been a crew of crazy men and women working on the street outside of the building at work lately. They're making improvements to the surrounding sidewalks and crossings in this 90 degree heat and I feel horrible for them. I admire them, though. If I were out there doing that hard labor, I have no doubt that I'd totally stroke out.

Everytime I arrive for my shift around 11am, I can smell the hot tar and paint being slapped around and see the heat waves rising from the pavement. The smell, particularly tar, brings back great memories from when I was a kid living in New Jersey. Everytime I smell tar on a hot, summer day, I think of Mystic Island, New Jersey and the house we lived in at the corner of W. Raritan Drive and Twin Lake Boulevard.

Each road that jetted off of Twin Lakes Blvd., had a little "Lagoon" in the backyard with a dock so you could dock your boat or sunbathe or...watch jellyfish all day like I did.

On days when I wasn't attending "Little Egg Harbor Elementary School" (yes, that's a real name), I would zip up my snoopy lifevest and run through the sand either in our backyard or across the street at my aunt's house. My aunt's house was cooler because she had more toys. She had a BLOW UP BOAT! WOOT!

I was never allowed to float in the boat alone so my sister would get rowing duty. (Can you see my snazzy lifevest?) Sometimes the waves would be a little strong and we'd get carried out a little too far, but amazingly no one ever came close to drowning. I loved the water then and always will!

Smelling tar now, at 41 years of age, is bittersweet. I think of spending incredible amounts of time with my Aunt (and Godmother) Liz, my (now deceased) Uncle Charlie who was a retired Army cook and could make a mean batch of spaghetti, my mom, and my sister. The only thing missing was my dad. Every morning, I'd plop out of bed, pull on a pair of shorts, my favorite Mr. Peanut t-shirt (a gift from my aunt that I wore everyday), flip-flops, and looked for trouble. All the yards on Mystic Island were sand. There was no grass so at the end of the day, you'd find sand in your shoes, in the house, in your hair...and in other odd, unmentionable places.

Me, Mom, Aunt Liz (Who I think looks like Carol Channing! LOL!)

We were living in New Jersey because my father had been sent to Korea for a year and we weren't allowed to tag along this time around. I was born into a military family and really knew no difference. Dad wore ugly green clothes all the time and slicked his hair back with greasy shit so I never wanted to touch it...but that was really it. Soon, I forgot about him and figured he was gone for good. What does a 5 year-old really know? I was having a great time in Kindergarten and in the blow up boat. It wasn't until I was older that I found the picture frame with the pictures of mom, my sister, and I that he kept on his desk while he was away and realized that he thought about us everyday and missed us. When he returned from Korea and we greeted him at the airport, I'm told that I didn't even recognize him and freaked when he tried to hold and hug me. What a shitty feeling for him that must have been.

Obviously, I got over the fear of that "airport stranger" and grew closer to my father...so much so, that I have many of his physical and emotional traits. (I haven't figured out if that's good or bad yet. LOL!) So now, it's me that has the picture of my dad, in a frame, on MY desk and wonders if HE misses me in some way at all.

Life Is Good!

2009-08-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

August 09, 2009

Life Is Good...

Holding a little baby in your arms seems to put everything into perspective.

My friends, Kimberly and Rachel, had a beautiful baby girl named Avery last week and I met her for the first time yesterday. As soon as I picked her up, she fell asleep in my arms. She's just a good baby. Or maybe it was the fact that I was rubbing her feet. She seemed to like that. (Babies and cats seem to love me for some reason.) I'm so happy that Avery has such two incredible mommies like Kimberly and Rach. I struggle everyday with the thought that someone would deny love for a child because the parent is either gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. A child can never have TOO MUCH love, can they? Uncle Kevin can't wait to babysit!

I'm a little lonely this weekend. I miss my sweetheart. We had such fun together last weekend that I wish she were here everyday now. It was hard dropping her off at the airport on Monday morning and saying goodbye. We'll have another visit on Labor day, but that seems so far away.

We enjoyed walking around downtown and spent Saturday night having a romantic dinner on the patio at Adam's Mountain Cafe'. They changed up their menu a little but it's still delicious. The Greek Tapas and a bottle of wine before the meal...ohhhhhhh orgasmic! Christine grew up in Hawaii and now lives in California so when the sun dipped behind the mountains, I had to pull out the fleece for her. I was still hot with my Colorado blood. It's funny how that works.

We capped off the night with some competition at the Manitou Penny Arcade. That's been one of my favorite places since I was in high school. Not only can you find old arcade games there from the 30's, 40's, and 50's but you'll find those we played in the 80's like Donkey Kong and Ms. Pacman.

Christine rocked the Ms. Pacman game!

We spent the next night in Denver. Another great dinner and a stroll along the 16th Street Mall. We stayed at the Curtis Hotel. Each floor of the Curtis is decorated with a different theme. We stayed on the 11th floor which is the "Chick Flicks" floor. We knew it was fate when we walked off the elevator and there was a huge Charlie's Angels sign on display! I almost passed out with joy.

I'll throw more pics in a photo album for you. It was a fun getaway.

As far as the transition progression goes, everything seems to be on track. I'm moving my surgery from October to the Spring. I started a new job in June and I just don't have the ability to take a week and a half off right now to do it. It's ok. I'm a little disappointed but I can be patient. I have a wonderful girlfriend who is so supportive and understanding. Love is good. We seem to balance each other out. Physical changes are still occurring everyday. My voice is still dropping. I've noticed that I will wake up with a horrible sore throat and feel like I'm getting a cold...then the next day, my voice will have dropped. It's totally like I'm a teenage boy going through puberty. Acne, hair growing in odd places, changing voice, horny all the time, etc. This will be a crazy statement but, I think the world would be a happier place if everyone had to go through transition. LOL! I think men and women would totally understand each other better. When could a man ever say that he TRULY understood what a woman was going through when she said she had PMS? That's funny.

LIFE IS GOOD

TransFm

2009-07-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

July 26, 2009

Transfm

Check out "Transfm" on Live365.com. You'll find some great trans programming on there like, "Community News", "Just Plain Sense", "The Radical Trannies", "Royal Pains", and "Sodium Pentothal Sunday" by one of my favorite peeps, Ethan St. Pierre. Click it and have fun! Just thought I'd share.

And I Thought The Fireworks Were For My Amazing Weight Loss...

2009-07-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

July 05, 2009

And I Thought The Fireworks Were For My Amazing Weight Loss...

Happy belated 4th of July! I hope everyone had hots dogs and soda pop! I...did not. I stuck to my new diet, for the most part. (There was that bite of mom's homemade potato salad that crept into my mouth but I won't flog myself for that.) I did see that Joey Chestnut downed a record-breaking 68 hot dogs to win the annual Nathan's 4th of July event out on Coney Island. It makes me throw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it.

I took my monthly testosterone shot today. I've talked to other trans guys and we're all just sick little bastards when it comes to our shots. The feeling of watching that needle slide into our leg or ass and juicing up is just an instant high. Give me a break. Don't roll your eyes at me. I don't drink or smoke. I don't take any other illegal drugs and I bitch and moan when I have to take any other prescription or over the counter drug for some ailment. This is my fix. Let me enjoy it.

I'm doing well on the new diet program (www.myfooddiary.com) my sweetie got me for my birthday...although she's blowing the doors off with her program! We take part in the forums, log our food intake and daily exercise, etc. It's a pretty cool tool. Plus, it gives you smiley faces at the end of the day when you do something right. Who doesn't like smiley faces? She challenged me to a sort of "drink off". She will drink no wine and I will drink no soda until the end of the month when we see each other for a long weekend. Yes, I slipped the second day and downed a Dr. Pepper or Coke (or whatever) and felt horrible. It's my crack, people. I've done well since then...two weeks now. But my craving has crept back the past two days. I've done Crystal Light, Hydroxycut water additive, Iced Tea, Special K Pink Lemonade, Seltzer, etc. I'm itching for a Pepsi Throwback with all its glorious sugar, caffeine, and bubbles. Any ideas on what I should do for the soda craving?

My new job has me working in Pueblo, along the Riverwalk. A nine hour day plus an hour's commute on top of it. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. But the view from the lunchroom of the passing boats, filled with tourists, is pretty.

Come Visit.

Kevin

Farrah Fawcett...Rest In Peach

2009-06-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

Farrah Fawcett

1947-2009

There are pieces of our childhood that are permanently ingrained in our brains forever. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. When I see "retro" commercials for Funny Face drink packs in flavors like "Goofy Grape" or "Rootin' Tootin' Raspberry", I smile. (I was a Funny Face drink kid, not Kool-Aid.) I'm glad that kids still play "Connect Four" and "Battleship". (HEY! You sunk my Battleship!) I dressed as Peter Criss of the rock band KISS every Halloween and "borrowed" my sister's Alice Cooper albums when she was at school. (I was fascinated with the gore of the "Welcome To My Nightmare" album cover.) I remember tv shows like Blansky's Beauties (with a young Scott Baio), Three for the Road (with Leif Garrett), and James at 15 (with Lance Kerwin).

The tv show that stuck with me the most was Charlie's Angels. I can't explain why. It wasn't a well written piece of television. As a matter-of-fact, it was promptly labeled "jiggle tv" with no educational benefit whatsoever. Who cares? Who says tv has to be educational? It's my escape. It's my chance to zone out and be entertained. (As an overweight kid, I was always delegated to play the role of Bosley when we played Charlie's Angels in the schoolyard. BASTARDS!) For five seasons, that's what Charlie's Angels did for me as a kid. To this day, I can answer almost any question about that show you throw at me. Yes, my brain is filled with useless trivia. But...you'll want me on your Trivial Pursuit team, I promise.

I raise my glass to you, Farrah Fawcett! You're among the real angels now!

The 41st Year...

2009-06-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

June 20, 2009

The 41st Year!

Well, here we are, another year gone. Or should I say, "Another year AHEAD of me!"

Yeah, I like that better.

I hit the one year mark on testosterone on May 30th. I guess it's kind of like losing weight. You don't really see the day to day changes, but when you look at the big picture, you see A LOT! My body is shifting in all different directions. I can see my facial features becoming more manly in my jawline and brow. My beard and sideburns have come in. My voice, which was deep to begin with, is even deeper now. The fat on my body is re-distributing itself to my midsection. I dug through my closet two days ago and gave a bunch of shirts to Goodwill. All were too big and just hung from my body. Muscle is replacing fat in my upper body, which makes me feel strong. Now, I need to work on this buddha belly. Maybe I'll just sit here and rub it for luck.

Speaking of luck, it seems the tide is finally turning a little. I start a new job on Monday. It's not my ideal, but it's something that sounds fun and will give me back my health insurance. I will be working in Pueblo, which is also where I will need to be to finish off my schooling since there is no program for my radiology studies here in Colorado Springs. It's kinda nice that it worked out that way.

I'm seeing a wonderful woman who blows my mind. We talk. And we talk. And we talk. Like adults should. And we listen. Then we listen more. Then we don't judge each other. No drama. No fighting. Just two adults enjoying each other, past be damned. It's nice. It's a long distance relationship but our plane tickets and hotel rooms have been booked for various dates, and we're determined to make it work. It's nice to have someone who encourages you to be the best you can be. For my birthday, one of the many things she gifted me was a fitness program for BOTH of us that totally rocks! I've lost 6 pounds so far and am blowing full steam ahead. Support...emotionally, physically, mentally. What a concept! I love you, baby! Next time I see you, I'll be 15 pounds lighter, I bet!

My 41st birthday was yesterday. My mom and her best friend took me to the Knights of Columbus Hall for their monthly steak dinner. (I'm not shittin' you.) I would have been happy with Souper Salad, but whatever...I grumbled the whole day knowing that I was having my birthday dinner at the "K of C" but, let me tell you, when you have the chance to sit and have dinner with a room full of senior citizens. Do it. It will put things into perspective for you. It made me think about all the health problems in that room, all the loss of spouses and loved ones that these people have suffered, the pain and aches that they feel each day just pulling themselves out of bed...or even bending over to tie their shoes because of arthritis. What a bastard I was! Shut your pie hole, Kevin, eat your overcooked steak, and enjoy what you have...many more years ahead of you.

I saw "The Hangover" (so wrong in SO many ways) and "The Proposal" last night. Both were great and worth your money. (Besides, who doesn't want to see Sandra Bullock or Ryan Reynolds naked?)

I'm off to enjoy my last weekend of unemployment. It's time to head to the grocery store and stock up on some stuff so I can pre-cook some healthy meals for my lunches, scout out a new gym, take in a movie (Year One), finish off a couple of projects around the house (stupid wasps everywhere), and to pay a visit to my father's grave for father's day. Don't forget your dad this weekend!

You matter,

Kevin

Get Out Of My Head, Damnit!

2009-05-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

May 27, 2009

Get Out Of My Head, Damnit!

Do you ever get a song stuck in your head? I usually hate when that happens. It sucks when it's something stupid like "La Bamba" or that shitty 80's classic "Mickey" by Toni Basil. It just plays, on repeat, over and over in your brain until you just want to pop your head like a zit. I know...crude.

Lately, AT&T has been playing that sappy commercial about the boy and girl who are traveling and are separated. He picture messages her photos of himself around the globe...until he meets up with her again. Ahhhhh....lovely. *sniff* The song in the background is Landon Pigg's "Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop", one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard, and it's been running around in my head for weeks now. I can't get enough of it. I shared the lyrics of this song on a different blog site of mine. Just thought I'd share it with you, too. When you have a moment, download his stuff to your i-pod or Zune or other mp3 device and enjoy...

I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I wanna come, too
I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me
I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shinin', too
Because, oh because, I've fallen quite hard over you

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone
I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew
All of the while
All of the while
It was you

As The Great Madonna Once Sang..."Erotica, Put Your Hands All Over My Body..."

2009-04-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

April 29, 2009

As The Great Madonna Once Sang..."Erotica, Put Your Hands All Over My Body..."

I don't know how many of you know this or not but I used to write quite a bit of erotica. No, not porn, but EROTICA. It started as a way to release a bit of sexual tension, then I found a muse and wrote things for/about her. I took a bit of time off from it when my muse shit-canned me. I just couldn't get myself "in the mood" to do it anymore for the past year or so. No, there's no muse...but a strong desire to write again in that genre. I will be posting some new things in a certain forum. If you care to read it (if you miss it), or if you want to particpate and write something yourself, you're more than welcome to. Please email me and I will give you the website address. I'd love to share the fun with you.

Here's a sample (obviously I'm not going to put the dirtier stuff on here):

Coffee Kisses

I stand behind you in line at our favorite coffee joint, my arms around your waist and my chin on your neck. It's too early to be up on a Satuday morning but I wanted to join you for your daily caffeine fix. I nuzzle your neck and take in your smell. Your perfume sends me flying. These are my happy times. These are the times I feel close to you. The times when we share everyday activities with each other...eagerly anticipating the time when we're home alone together exploring each other's bodies again. I spin you around and take you into my arms, staring lovingly into your eyes. "Kiss me with those coffee flavored lips", they beg.

If You're Not For Me, You're Against Me...Kinda.

2009-04-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

April 25, 2009

If You're Not For Me, You're Against Me. Kinda.

I know, I know, I'm such a slacker. It's been over a month since I've been on here updating you. But, I'm sure you've managed to survive somehow, right?

I spent last week in San Antonio job hunting. I had a test with a great company there and scored a follow up phone interview next week with them. I'm excited about that. They have great benefits and seem to take good care of their employees. Let's cross our fingers on that one. Besides, San Antonio seems like a pretty cool place to live.

While I was there, I met with a plastic surgeon and scheduled my top surgery. I'm gettin' these babies "amputated" (yes, it's officially called a breast amputation) on October 1st. I will move up the date if I can get the money together sooner. I was extremely nervous going into the consultation. You never want to hear that he CAN'T do it for any reason. But, he was very positive about it and said that I actually had "perfect" breasts for it. That made me laugh out loud. Apparantly, the bigger your breasts are, the easier and better looking your chest reconstruction will be. Go figure. YAY for big boobies! (I think that's the only time IN MY LIFE that I've ever felt that way about my OWN boobs.) The day before the surgery, you're all invited to a big bra/binder burning party. We'll drink margaritas and toast these puppies. I won't miss them a bit. Aufwiedersehen.

I'm still learning everyday about who are real in their intentions and who are not. Who are the people that are TRULY "open-minded"? I laugh everyday because I find that it's my straight friends who tend to be the most open-minded. After all, my "lesbian" girlfriend left me and called me weird and embarrassing and won't let me see my daughter. A lesbian "board" (or should I say "bored") member of HRC insists on calling me "Kevina" and "it" and "shim". I imagine both of those people were horrified at the whole Prop 8 thing in California and want "equal rights" for what they call the GLBT community. Yeah, last I checked, the "T" stood for "transgendered". Neither one of those two has ever asked me any questions about being trans or really what it's like for ME, personally, to have felt this way all of my life. My straight friends? They ask TONS of questions. They want to know. They want to be informed. They are RESPECTFUL. I think it's sad that those people campaigning for "equal rights" are the ones who are fighting amongst themselves the most. I hate to tell you, but you're on the "freak train" right along side me. GLBT is all-inclusive, brothers and sisters. Figure it out. Too many people are already hurt and shunned by their own families, why should they be treated like shit by their own community, too?

Where's My Ass?

2009-03-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

March 14, 2009

Where's My Ass?

Got my car back last week and it looks good as new! Well, it looks even better. I got a brand new hood and windshield. The old hood had hail damage and the old windshield had a two-week old crack in it from a dump truck that threw a rock up on it. Things really work out in weird ways. Thank God I have State Farm's low deductible of only $250. (Got a new brush guard, too...oh...and radiator...and...etc, etc, etc.) Total: About $6500. If you're going to slam into the back of someone's Toyota pickup truck at 20mph, do it well, is my new motto. But, of course, I'm mostly thankful that I didn't hurt anyone.

I'm still on the job hunt. Thankfully I can collect unemployment from my last radio gig...until December. LOL! It's given me time to write, clear my head, work on me, and just chill. I never realized how tightly wound I was. It's good to just sit down and cry your eyes out sometimes. I bet my blood pressure has never been better!

I sent a videotape and applicaton in to The Biggest Loser a couple of days ago. I thought it would be fun to be the first transgendered contestant. Yeah, I know, NBC wouldn't have the balls. (No pun intended.)

It's almost been a month since I've started on the injectible testosterone. Physically, I haven't noticed any major changes. I think my voice may have dropped a little more. No ass. No hips. My fat is still redistributing itself around my body. Although I haven't seen a weight loss on the the scale, my pants are all too big. My belt has become my new best friend. I used to laugh at my dad because, well, he had no butt and his pants always looked so big on him. Now, I sympathize with him. I totally know how he felt. I can't find a pair a jeans that fit to save my life. (Levi's 505's and Old Navy Regular's come the closest.) Emotionally, I find my buttons are a little easier to push on the injectible. I don't know if it's because I'm around my mom more or because of the shit I've been through the past month, but I'll fucking bite your head off if you piss me off. I'm not usually like that. I'm usually pretty even tempered and have a lot of patience with people. Not so much anymore. I tend to speak my mind a little more now if you cross me. Maybe I've just finally learned that we're all adults and we have a choice...be nice or be mean. It's up to you.

Spring is in the air and it's both good and bad for me. The bad part is the allergies. I'm popping Claritin like Skittles. I'm always on the verge of a sneeze. You know that feeling? Horrible isn't it? But the great thing is, all the produce is looking GREAT! I've been eating cucumbers like they're going out of style. A nice cucumber salad is my favorite meal IN THE WORLD. (Well, besides a Godfather's Pizza, of course.) And Safeway has the best looking strawberries on sale this week...buy one pound, get one free. So, I'm taking advantage of that deal. The farmer's markets are all getting set to open and I can't wait for all the fresh corn on the cob, tomatos, green beans, asparagus, peaches, cantalope....and WATERMELON!

Oh! And I'm one step closed to the official name change. Got my background check back from the FBI yesterday...and there stamped on the back of my fingerprint card was...NO ARREST RECORD. Thank God for that. I was a little worried. The early 90's are a bit of a haze.

I've Lost Everything.

2009-03-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

March 02, 2009

I've Lost Everything.

Funny how things change in just one week. Tuesday - no real place to call home. Wednesday - no car. Thursday - no Gus. You've won. That's what you wanted all along, and you've won...this time. But, I won't quit. I won't. You can't kill my spirit or my soul. I guess "I'm sorry" just wasn't enough.

I'm On The "Juice"

2009-02-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

February 19, 2009

I'm On The Juice!

Just a quick note to let you know that I did my first injection yesterday. What a rush to see that needle slide into your thigh and know that you're the one that's doing it! Incredible! My hand didn't even shake. 1ml of the juice right there into the muscle...and boy, let me tell you, a few hours later, you REALLY know if you hit the muscle or not. Believe me, I DID! It's sore as a mother effer! I was so excited about doing it, that I forgot to set up the video camera for you. I was going to post it on my You Tube site and I just plain forgot until it was all over with. I'll capture the next one. I promise. I'm glad to be done with the daily gel regimine. What a pain in the ass that got to be.

Making The Injectible Switch!

2009-02-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

February 10, 2009

Making The Injectible Switch!

Holy crap! Has it been since December that I've been on here? Way too long! Shame on you, Kevin! There have been a thousand things swirling around in my head but I just haven't taken the time to sit down at the computer and sort them all out. Do you ever feel like your brain is traveling faster than your body is and you're just trying to play catch-up all the time?

Who hates the economy right now? *raises hand* Will a stimulus check help any of us out? Nah. Who would spend that thing on anything else but bills that we're already behind on. There has to be a better answer. I lost my job back in October due to downsizing and have been looking for a better one since. I've been doing sales and quite frankly, I suck at it. I know times are tough and it's even tougher to ask people to part with their hard earned money. So, I fear they're going to be showing me the door very soon. As the result of that, I decided not to extend the lease on my apartment at the end of January and...drum roll please...move into my mother's basement. Take a moment. It's okay. Breathe. She needed help with things around the house, and I needed some job security before I signed a new lease somewhere else. Made sense...except for the part where she yells at me all the time to clean my bathroom like I was 16, our dogs fight like pitbulls, and that she's old and gets up every morning at 5:30am (and wonders why I don't do the same). Yes, the first week, I thought about joining the NRA and becoming a new gun owner. Now, I've learned to just tune it out. And yes, the dogs are finally getting along.

I have an interview for a better job on Wednesday. I know it will suit me more. I'm going to snatch it right out of the interviewer's hands. Things are looking up again.

The company that I'm currently with provides health insurance through United Health and the prescriptions through MedCo. MedCo has decided not to pay any portion of my Androgel 1% testosterone which Cigna was before. Non-insurance cost is about $270/month. Totally unaffordable. So, I will be switching to an injectable, depo-testosterone, next week. Thankfully, I'm not afraid of needles and will be injecting myself with 200mg of T once every 3-4 weeks to start, then monitoring it from there. I feel like such a big boy! LOL!

I still notice new changes on my body everyday. New hair is sprouting up everywhere. My bodyfat is still redistributing. Everything is turning into bellyfat. My ass, hips...all gone, and pushed into my stomach. My legs are thinning out and getting even more muscular. My shoulders are widening. It's wonderful and I feel fantastic. I finally feel like me.

Every once and awhile an email or letter will crop up where people intentionally try to hurt me. They like to use "female" pronouns to make me feel less of what I am. They still refer to me as a "she" or "her" to their friends or my favorite, "cunt" (nice word) or "bitch". I'm sure everyone goes through life knowing they've done something wrong or hurt someone. No one is perfect. But we have to make that decision to forgive ourselves and move on. It's the only way to be healthy. When people I have never met mistakenly refer to me as "she" or "Ms.", I correct them. No harm, no foul. When people who know me do that, quite frankly, they're just being an ass to make themselves feel better. I walk away and continue on my journey without them.

My "Transitional Minds" column will be on the Vizions online magazine this spring. I'll keep you posted on that. You can see past columns on there now.

I've taken a great interest in Armando Aguilar's project "My Fight With Fat". We've been discussing obesity in the LGBT community. More details coming on that, too!

You matter!

Kevin

Tired of Being Lazy. Or Is It...Being Lazy Is Making Me Tired?

2008-12-26T16:03:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2008

Tired of Being Lazy. Or Is It...Being Lazy Is Making Me Tired?

Is it weird that I'm even happier that today is Friday than the fact that yesterday was Christmas? Strange. I just like Fridays better than even...Christmas. lol! I guess the fact is, and I hate saying this, but, my mother drains the hell out of me. Both physically and emotionally. I can handle her in small doses...but an entire day of mom? Exhausting! It's 12:30am, and I'm getting ready for bed. (My usual bed time is about 3 or 4am, so this is early for me!) I spent a good eight hours listening to nothing but her negative ramblings on Christmas day...whether it was criticizing me and my life, Obama's politics (yep, she's republican), the cold weather, how she's tied down by her dog, her high blood sugar, her aching knee, blah, blah, blah. It sucks when you really want to tell your own mother to..."SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!" I love the lady, she pushed me through her vagina and all, but hell, if you want things to change, you have to do it yourself. No one is going to do it for you. I wanted to tell her, "Life isn't going to get better for you by just sitting on the couch and bitching about it. You have to actually go outside and make friends...and not be mean to them like you are to your own family." (That would only piss her off more.)

So, as I sat on her couch and hid inside my own head, tuning her out, I thought of more things that I wanted to do this year for ME! What was something that I've always wanted to do that I was either too scared, too out of shape, or just too plain L-A-Z-Y to do? "Run a marathon or do a triathlon, Kevin," popped into my head. Yeah, I'm retarded that way. I hate running. Hell, I even hated running when I was kid. I played baseball and softball just because they did the least amount of running in that sport. So there I sat, on a couch, at nearly 7-thousand feet in altitude, thinking about running 26.2 miles (all on the same day) this year. I'm not the brightest one in the bunch.

I'm proud to announce that just 30 minutes ago, I registered myself for my first "YES! Man" 2009 event (that's what I'm calling my new adventure/attitude)...the Long Beach 2009 Marathon in October. Okay, okay, I'm fudging a little. I'm only doing the half marathon, 13.1 miles...but it's still a marathon of some sort and I have until October to figure out how I'm going to pull that shit off. I'm announcing it publicly so that I have some sort of accountability. Who's with me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? You slackers.

I should go and have an apple or a Power Bar or something like that now. I'm officially in training now, after all. Hmmmm...trainer...I should get me one of those, too.

I'm A "YES" Man!

2008-12-21T16:01:00.000-08:00

December 21 - Sunday

It's almost Christmas! For some reason, I'm just not in the mood this year. It just snuck up on me so quickly. I bought a few gifts here and there, nothing major. I drove around looking at some lights the other night. I don't know...my heart just wasn't in it. Something's missing. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm looking forward to 2009. To be honest, 2008 wasn't one of my more stellar moments. It's time to move ahead.

I saw Jim Carrey's latest movie on Friday night, "Yes Man". I laughed hysterically through the entire thing. It's Jim doing what he should be doing...hamming it up. I'll be frank with you, I actually cried a couple of times. I'm still not sure if they were tears of joy or sadness. I think the couple that was sitting next to me thought I had lost my mind, "Who's that dude sitting next to us at this comedy crying his eyes out?"

Sure, it's a funny premise, but it's about a man who's in a rut and finally learns to stick his neck out, take chances, and say..."YES!" I fear I have fallen into that same rut in my life. I've become a hermit...not for lack of invitation, but for sheer lack of enthusiasm. It's time for me to start saying "YES!", too. I'm not usually one for making New Year's resolutions, but this year, I'm going to do it. I, Kevin Weber, am going to say "YES!" more often. We all have that list tucked away somewhere. You know what "list" I'm talking about...that "bucket" list we all wrote at some point with the things on it that we all want to do before we kick it. Why not start now? Take that thing out of your underwear drawer and start checking things off. Now, when opportunity knocks on my door, instead of hiding behind the blinds and pretending I'm not home, I'm going to answer the door and take full advantage of it. Who knows what could happen?

Now, I won't give the entire movie away. There are some ramifications to saying "YES!" to everything and everyone. Choose your "yeses" wisely. Protect yourself...but be open to change, fear, risk, and love. I'm saying "YES!" in 2009, are you?

Support Those Who Support You!

2008-12-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

December 10 - Wednesday

My body is killing me! I started working out like a fiend a couple of days ago. It's time to get moving again! I'm up and running and finally doing well at my new job, I'm over my cold which had me hacking up lung tissue for about 3 weeks, and things just feel...right. Finally. My world just feels...right. So here I am now, whipping this abused body into shape. We finally have the inside right...let's get crackin' on the outside.

It's weird when you first get going, and this may seem like a stupid thing to you but, as I was pulling out the "Total Gym" and setting it up in the spare room, I asked myself..."Should I work out like a guy or a girl?" I know, I know, sounds pretty stupid, huh? I still have those female parts but I have testosterone coarsing through me like crazy. Confusing, to say the least. What about supplements? Do I take a female daily vitamin or one geared towards a male? Hmmm....Who to ask? Who to ask? Immediately, I thought of Brian Peeler of Bravo TV's "Workout". The guy's huge. You've seen him...what guy wouldn't want his body? He looks great. And best of all, he's gay friendly. But would he be "transgender" friendly? There was only one way to find out. I emailed him. Couldn't hurt, right? Five minutes later, Brian was asking me about my testosterone regimine and answering my idiotic questions. Cool dude. So, needless to say, I asked permission to add a link to his webpage and told him that I'd direct any of you with questions on their changing bodies to him. Basically, according to Brian, it simply boils down to... "Once you put test into your system you will be able to start to grow your muscles fast. So I would start working out like a man and hitting the weights." So, "Peelerbuilt" body, here I come! Check out his link and info on my links page.

While Brian can answer questions about getting those muscles pumped up, we'd need a true nutritionist to tell us about supplements or vitamins that would benefit our trans bodies. After all, we're walking contradictions. I invite any visitors to this page who are professionals in any field and can provide a service to our community, to email me their information so I can post it here like I did with Brian. It's important that the people we visit can take the time to sit down and understand our situation with clarity...not "special needs" or "special rights" or any of that political bullshit...just an ability to listen and provide their service in a respectable manner for everyone. We need lawyers, nutritionists, mental health professionals, massage therapists, teachers, doctors, tailors, dentists, employers, fitness experts, musicians, comedians...EVERYONE. Let me know. We'll spread the word!

Support those who support you.

Happy Birthday, Zach!

2008-12-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

December 7 - Sunday

First off...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZACHARY! (That's my nephew who turns 23 today.) Holy crap! It was just yesterday that you stuck a penny up your nose at the McFrugal's and had everyone freaking out. Life moves so fast. Good times. Good times. You're a cool young man and I love you a lot!

The young lady who sits next to me at work is just 19 years old. She's a riot. One moment she's laughing along with the other "youngins" in our bay, and the next, she can sit with me and have a more mature conversation than most people my own age. At 40, I imagine I'm one of the oldest people there. But I don't mind. As a matter-of-fact, I don't think most people there would believe you if you told them my age. I'm just "one of the gang".

My work neighbor and I were talking today about how teenagers have changed from the way things were when I graduated high school back in...ahem...1986...to how things are now. I told her that I suddenly have a lot of younger people emailing me on my myspace page and my website wanting to chat or ask questions about situations that they're in at school or work. She looked at me kind of puzzled, "Things were different?" I told her that when I was in high school, very few people made it known that they were gay or lesbian...or God forbid transgendered. You opened yourself up to daily ridicule and beatings by letting anyone know. She sat back in her chair and stared at me, "Really?" I explained that there weren't any gay social clubs for students then. Did anyone try to start one? Perhaps. But, there was really no place to turn...so, you just kept it to yourself. It was hard not being able to be who you really were. Homecoming, Prom, Valentine's Day dances...all painful. The last thing I wanted to do was put on a dress and hang out in the gym with some poor schlub. But, I did. It was part of my cover.

It wasn't until a few years later, when we all turned 21, and ended up at the local gay bars, that we ran into each other..."You are?", "I didn't know!", "But you were a cheerleader!"..., "I knew it all along!"...We'd run up to each other and reunite with old classmates with hugs and tears. We'd sit together at a sticky bar table, wiping away years of teenage loneliness repeating, "If I had only known that you were, I wouldn't have felt so alone all those years growing up."

I like to visit the myspace page of a new friend of mine from Florida. He found me right here on this website a few weeks ago. He's 17 and a transgendered man. He's handsome, smart, and full of life! And best of all, he seems to have a lot of friends around him that love and support him. He already has a leg up on me...he's come forward at a young age and isn't wasting a day of his life cowaring behind what society thinks he should be. He has his whole life ahead of him...and finally, in 2008, the resources for him are more readily available than they were for a 17 year-old in 1986. Good luck to you, buddy, I'm here for you every step of the way...in whatever capacity you need.

And to you...the one starting on your journey now...I'm here to help you, too. I'll answer your questions, offer support, or just a shoulder to cry on. If I don't know the answer, I'll find it. It's a great world we live in now...embrace it, take advantage of it!

You matter!

Kevin

Anal OCD. It's A Hard Habit To Break.

2008-11-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

November 22, 2008

Anal OCD. It's a Hard Habit To Break.

I'm pretty anal about where things go in my place. When I walk in the front door, my jacket and keys get hung up on the rack, and my wallet and assorted crap from my pockets (like chapstick and loose change), get tossed onto the bookcase right by the door. I've made it a habit so that I don't run around looking for stuff when I'm ready to head out the door. Quite simply, I do it for my own protection. If I didn't, I'd lose everything.

This afternoon as I was heading out the door to go to work, I must have had a billion things on my mind (or I was just thinking about boobs), and I slammed the front door shut behind me without my keys in hand. SHIT! You know that feeling you get just as the door knob is slipping from your hand and you can't catch it before it latches? Yeah...that feeling! There I stood, messenger bag in hand, on the sidewalk, with no keys. I don't even have a spare. (I lost that a long time ago because I didn't put it in a designated "non-losing-anal-area" when the landlord first gave it to me. My bad.)

It's at that point you kind of realize how stupid you really are. "Damn! I should keep a spare house key in my car. No...wait...my car key is on the key ring which is locked in the house. Shit. How would I get it out of the car?"

I live at street level so my windows are always locked...no working that angle. Then it hit me! "Do people really kick in doors like they do on television?" Granted, I was a little bit of a hooligan when I was a kid. Booze and drugs were all fine and dandy, but I never did damage to anyone's property. That was off limits. Realizing that I'd be late for work (again) if I didn't do something NOW, I decided to break it in. Deep down, I was hoping it was an easy thing to do. The last thing I wanted was for the neighbors to be looking out their windows laughing at me...but yet, I didn't want to kick an enormous hole into the door so I'd have to replace the whole thing. I was walking a fine line. Sure as shit, two small kicks near the door knob and I was in! It was one of those times where I wish animals could speak. I'd love to know what Gus, the Wonder Dog, was thinking at the moment. She gave me a few odd looks as I popped through.

I'd like to think I went all Starsky and Hutch and that damn door. The lock's a little busted out and the door is coming apart a bit, but it still functions and I can still deadbolt it tonight. I stopped by Home Depot on my way home from work tonight and picked up a metal reinforcer so I can fix it tomorrow and hopefully save some sort of security deposit. If not, oh well, it made me feel pretty damn masculine...and I'm now considering a career as a "door buster-inner". Call me. I rock.

Honesty Is Integrity

2008-11-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

November 06, 2008

Honesty Is Integrity.

It's my day off! YAY! There's laundry that needs to be done before I run out of the "good" underwear. You know how you get down to the bottom of your underwear drawer and have to start wearing the underwear that has the shot elastic or rides up your ass...the ones you hate to wear. As my friend Bonnie tells me, "Kevin, you need a wife!" LMAO! Actually, I don't mind doing laundry. It's those two little hours that I actually make myself sit down, read a book or magazine and take time for myself while sitting at the laundromat. I wouldn't do it otherwise.

My body keeps metamorphasizing. My calves are thinning out a bit but keeping the muscle. My shoulders are getting broader and my face hairier. Physically I feel wonderful. My high blood pressure is non-existent, I'm just about off my diabetes meds, and I no longer need heartburn meds...goodbye "little purple pill". I now realize that when you live a life full of stress, that it affects your health in such negative ways. Now, that I've finally gotten rid of the stress in my life, my body is healing itself.

It's certainly a chore to try and surround yourself with positive things in your life. I haven't always been positive and I haven't always chosen to do the right things. These past few months, I've been given the opportunity to start fresh and I'm grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns.

I guess what set me off on this tangent is my new job. It's an inbound call center. You're calling me for a product. I see people all around me raking in the bucks with sales that I don't really feel are legit. Why? Because they didn't tell the customer the FULL truth. Yes, the person to the left of me is telling the truth...she has maybe 6 sales. The guy to the right of me? He has 15...but he's leaving some shit out. I spent 3 weeks in training. I respect my trainer immensely. I can tell that she's trained me the RIGHT way...and with integrity. (What's up, Grasshopper?) As I left work last night, I was asking myself, "What's more important to me? Staying on my path of honesty or raking in the money?" This time, I'm choosing the honesty. We'll see how long I get to keep my job with my measly 4 sales.

Choose the right path. I'll see you there.

I Miss You. Not Really.

2008-10-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

October 25, 2008

I Miss You. Not Really.

I miss people today.

I miss my dad. It was exactly a year ago today that I sat by his bed in hospice, holding his hand, telling him that it was okay to let go. I just couldn't see him suffer anymore. I kept telling him that we would all be fine. I'm not really sure that we are yet. He's still in every one of my dreams...even if he's just standing in the background doing nothing.

I miss friends who are no longer in my life because I lied to them and betrayed them. I miss our conversations that lasted into the morning hours and the belly-laughs that followed inside jokes that only we found funny.

I miss the people in my life, other family and friends, who are too far away from me this weekend that I can't hug and hold.

I'm thinking of you.

New Job. You Can't Be Serious!

2008-10-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

October 13, 2008

New Job. You Can't Be Serious!

There are things in my life that I witness that I just can't make up. Some are mildly amusing...some are just roll on the floor, laugh-out-loud funny. I really had to hold in a belly laugh today at this one:

Today was my first day on my new job. First, I have to ask, "What does 'business casual' mean to you?" Maybe some Dockers and a collared shirt at the least??? Okay, we agree. There I am, at orientation, with 20 other people of various ages and cultures and about 15 of them are in t-shirts, tennis shoes, and jeans. Nice. But that's not the belly-laugh portion of this story. That's just my anal, ocd shit coming out. LOL! Moving along...

Here we are, the 25 of us, filling out all of this Human Resources paperwork that we all dread...w-4's, confidentiality agreements, payola statements, emergency contact info, etc. The whole time, across the room from me, a young man, not more than 20 years-old, was spouting off about how he wanted to be a team leader or eventually a company trainer. All of his questions for the HR person concerned promotions, raises, bonuses, etc. At first I thought, "Good for him! Go kick some ass young man! You're showing some great initiative!" I was cringing though at his getup...ass-bearing baggy jeans tucked into his Timberland work boots and a shirt that was 3 sizes too big for him. (Plus he borrowed $1.25 from me for a hot chocolate on break. WTF?)

One of the biggest rules of this company is cell phone usage. Because of the sensitivity of the information that you are working with, no cell phones are allowed anywhere on the floor. You may use them in the breakroom or outside...BUT THEY MUST BE TURNED OFF WHILE YOU ARE ON THE FLOOR! There are signs posted EVERYWHERE. Disregarding this one important rule, is cause for termination. From the moment we walked into orientation at 8am, this rule was stressed over and over and over again.

About 1:30pm, after lunch, we were told the rule AGAIN. NO CELL PHONES! Not two seconds after that last warning, Mr. Initiative's cell phone blasts some obnoxious, profanity-laced rap song. I'll give you one guess on what he did......ready.....HE ANSWERED IT! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HR PERSON'S SPEECH AND PROCEEDED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION! Now, with all eyes on him in disbelief, including the instructor's, he stood up, walked past her and said, "I have to take this...it's my parole officer."

No shit. Belly laugh surpressed. I don't know if he'll be back tomorrow.

New Everything!

2008-10-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

October 12, 2008

New Everything!

Wow! I'm a slacker! So much has happened since I last posted that I don't even know where to begin.

My cousin and my aunt came for a visit from Germany the first week in September. My sister showed up from the Dallas area, too.They stayed here in Colorado for a week, then took off in a rental car for another 3 weeks and tooled around the country. Let me say this, my aunt is 80 years old and ornery as ever! God bless her! She's my dad's older sister and looks JUST LIKE HIM! We'd be sitting somewhere together and I'd just stare at her endlessly. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. It's as if they were twins. It made me both happy and sad all at the same time. It brought back so many family memories of my father...but when I got home at night, I shed tears over how much I miss him. At the end of this month, he'll be gone a whole year and it still isn't any easier.

My sister Liz, me, my aunt Liz, and my mother at my father's grave at Fort Logan National Cemetery in Denver, CO.

When I returned to work on the 15th of September, I got the news that our traffic office in Colorado Springs was shutting down. That's right, Springsters, your LOCAL traffic will now come out of Denver. Then, in June or so of next year, the Denver office will shut down...and your local traffic will come out of Phoenix. How's that for corporate downsizing? I must say, I wasn't shocked at all. I just shrugged my shoulders and went about my business. I even surprised MYSELF at my reaction. After 11 years, it was time for me to move on anyway. I knew deep in my heart that I couldn't complete my transition while employed in radio anyway. As a matter-of-fact, two days later, I secured a NEW job away from radio. Done. Goodbye. All these years, people laughed at me for staying with this company for 11 years. Now, I laugh back. I'm a patient person. I work hard. If I'm ANYTHING in my life, I'm that...a hard worker and loyal to my employer. If my parents taught me anything, it's that you need to work hard and keep a job. (I wish that some other things would have stuck but, oh well.) Now, my reward is one humdinger of a severance package...one that will help me pay off some bills AND pay for my top surgery. Imagine that! My patience and hard working values have finally paid off.

My traffic job ended on October 3rd and October 6th, I took off for a small town just outside of Richmond, Virginia to visit a friend of mine. I just needed a few days to regroup and recharge before starting a new part of my life. I had never been to Virginia before and was awestruck by its small-town charm and beauty. I think my friend kept laughing at me because I kept saying, "The trees here are SO different!" Everything in Virginia is SO spread out. The phrase, "I'm just going down the street to the Walmart", doesn't exist because things are all 5 to 10 miles away from each other. Things just moved at a slower pace...people were friendlier. They took the time to say hi to each other or to ask you how your day was going as you paid for your whoopie cushion at the Dollar General store. (Don't ask.) But it was a very weird feeling, too. Here I was in the company of a woman who loved me no matter what. She accepted me for everything I was, am, and ever will be. Yet, I imagined that if I ever moved to this small town, I'd be the talk of every coffee klatch, "Hey Myrtle, did you hear about that new man in town who used to be a woman?" Could such a small town handle my history? I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt just because they were all so stinkin' nice. Kind of like that movie, "Lars and the Real Girl". Rent it if you haven't seen it already. It's about people learning to live outside of their comfort zone.

You'll be glad to know that while in Virginia, I finally decided on a video camera and purchased one. Oh stop! I can't help that I'm totally anal about researching shit (especially electronics) before I purchase it. Hopefully, I'll get some video up soon! Yay for me!

I start my new job tomorrow. I have more opportunity to shine with this one. More opportunity to make some cash, to show off, and to use my charm. I won't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn anymore. I can actually sleep in and stay up late for a change. WOO HOO! And best of all...I can continue to transition comfortably and in a supportive environment. Now...should I wear a tie or not?

Sasquatch Is Still Being Spotted In My 'Hood...

2008-09-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

September 28, 2008

Sasquatch Is Still Being Spotted In My 'Hood.

It's getting hairy around here. Yes, yes, I have a hair obsession! I used to shave everything on my body except for my head. (No, really, EVERYTHING!) True story. I hated hair. But now, I'm embracing it...especially with winter coming on. LOL! Just kidding.

I was sitting at a stop light yesterday and happened to look at my arm. WOW! You know how the underside of your forearm is pretty hairless and smooth. I noticed that my arm "hairline" was encroching the underside of my forearm...and it was getting dark! Fascinating. (I'm fascinated by these changes everyday!) I just sat there and stared until I noticed people honking at me because the light had turned green. I took a pic for you on my phone's camera....

Lot's of exciting stuff coming up this week. I can't wait to tell you!

To Boob or Not To Boob...That IS The Question!

2008-09-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2008

To Boob or Not To Boob? That IS The Question!

As I was sitting at my computer last night going through all the paperwork I will need for my top surgery, I had to laugh about the sheer stupidity of it all. Most doctors (those of any worth), require two letters of clearance from mental health professionals. As I was looking at my doc's webpage (more on that later), it occured to me that women who want breast implants or reductions don't have to go through this amount of red tape. Honestly, is it really necessary to have a size 32F? There's gotta me something mentally wrong with THAT! I would imagine more so than wanting them gone altogether. Those knockers are heavy...and let's not get into the back and shoulder problems. I guess that's my question, "Why do women who want breast alterations, vaginal lifts, or even botox, not have to provide a mental health evaluation?" Is being transgendered all that different from having a bad case of vanity??? Hmmm.

I Hate Eggs...

2008-09-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

September 17, 2008

I Hate Eggs.

My left ovary hurts today. Like...bad. I have so much to tell you but I think I'll go to bed instead. Just sayin'.

Why Don't You Just Stay A Lebanese?

2008-09-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

September 14, 2008

Why Don't You Just Stay a Lebanese?

Ok! Wow! Let's see....

Back from vacation. I got the chance to hang out with my sister and my aunt and cousin who arrived from Germany last Sunday. What fun! Although, my sister is a shopping machine. I don't know how she does it. Holy cow!

My aunt and cousin are now off on a little road trip adventure to South Dakota and then Arizona. It would have been fun to tag along but my vacation time is running a little thin and we haven't even approached the holidays yet.

I told my cousin about my transition last Wednesday...in the food court at the mall. LMAO! Oh gosh, talk about a language barrier. I'm pretty fluent in German and can talk my way through most things but...wow...that was a tough one. My cousin understands a bit of English so that helped a little. I think it was really important that we both understood each other so we took our time and really talked. Of course, she asked all the hard questions like, "How long have you known?" and "Why can't you just stay a lesbian? Why do you have to change your body?" and "Do you know all the dangers of testosterone?" (She's a registered nurse.) Needless to say, I ended up a big ball of snot and goo, in her arms, with everyone staring. I can't say that she approves of it or supports me...but we're family. We love each other and she wants me to be happy. Times are tough, but right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Also on Wednesday, I got the chance to talk, by phone, to comedian Ian Harvie. Ian is working on a new project slated for production early next year. I got the opportunity to give him a little feedback on where I was in my transition, my body image, my family's reaction, etc. It was nice to sit and chat with him about things. He's a great guy and such a wonderful role model for the transgender community. Oh...did I mention that he's damn funny? He's out on tour now with Margaret Cho. If they come to your town, check him out!

This past week, I've received more hits on this website than I ever have before. It's obscene! I'm fielding through many offers to write for online and print publications. I can't say which...but I'll let you know soon enough. I have also been offered another radio gig, but am not sure if I really want to move right now. Things are coming together...quickly.

I'm learning more about unconditional love from someone. It's refreshing to hear someone say, "I will love you anyway and walk with you through it." It's funny how you think you're going through life knowing everything when you really know NOTHING at all about certain things...especially love.

As far as physical changes, they're still slow. I notice that my calves are getting a little thinner, but more muscular. My hairline has begun receding, too. ACK! Now I know why guys spend so much money on Rogaine and other "hair growth" products. Vanity, my friend! I've gone from shaving my face once a week, to two or three times a week. It's really coming in, especially on my chin. The T has my sex drive in overdrive. That's all I think about. Luckily, I don't have "whorish" tendencies and am deathly afraid of catching something or I'd be out fucking anything that moved. It sounds crude, but it's the truth. lol!

Okay...off to the gym now. I'm building something here.

Why McCain and Palin Pissed Me Off!

2008-09-06T15:45:00.000-07:00

September 6, 2008

John McCain 2008

P.O. Box 16118

Arlington, VA 22215

Dear Senator McCain and Governor Palin,

Today, you visited my wonderful city of Colorado Springs, Colorado. While I usually vote with the lefties, I am open-minded and have been following your campaign quite closely. Now, with the addition of Governor Sarah Palin, my interest has grown.

Let me give you a little background on myself. I am a pre-op transgendered man. In layman's terms, I am a man in a woman's body. I am currently on testosterone therapy to raise my levels to that of well...more than even yours. (Yet, I have no desire to join the military, pick on foreign countries, or offer political bribes in impoverished areas. Funny how that works.) I just want to live out my life with no breasts, a penis, a beautiful woman by my side, maybe a child or two, a dog, a 401k, affordable healthcare (even though I'm transgendered) and if I'm not asking too much...a swimming pool in the backyard. That's it. No more. No less. I'm pretty easy to please.

Here's my quibble: I live paycheck to paycheck, my healthcare co-pays and fees are outrageous, I get denied psychiatric care (which is required by many physicians) to function as a transgendered male in today's society. (I'm sure you felt right at home in my fair city today.) I hardly drive anywhere anymore because gas prices are astronomical and my grocery bill has nearly doubled in the last year...and not because I eat a lot. I have cut my cable and my entertainment (Netflix, I-Tunes, eating out, etc.) just to make ends meet. You know what? My ends aren't even waving at each other right now, they're so far apart.

I am continuing my education at a community college because it is cheaper for me. Today, the testosterone must have messed with my brain again because I did something very stupid. I parked in a no parking zone because...YOU WERE IN TOWN.

That's right, my classes were right across the street from your hotel. Yes, my head was up my male, democratic ass. (Get it? Ass...the mascot of the democratic party? he he. Stay with me, John.) I parked in the space you see above and received a $50 ticket! It seems that your and the Governor's entourages were about to leave the parking garage (where I normally park) and I decided to park here instead because the garage was closed. Yes, it was certainly my fault, but I had no other choice. (The parking in downtown Colorado Springs sucks.)

Senator, you really ruined my day. Now, I have to pull another $50 out of my nearly empty bank account to pay for this. (There goes the new "Obama in '08" shirt I was going to buy!)

I offer this to you, Senator McCain and Governor Palin: Pay my $50 ticket (plus the $2 late fee I will get for paying it late because I'm a procrastintor), and I will vote for you. Simple as that. Yes, we ALL can be bought. I'm sure you have and I'm sure the governor has for much, much morethan $52. That's pocket change! Borrow it from your wife, Cindy. I hear she's loaded. After all, she wore $300,000 worth of stuff to the RNC last Tuesday night. What's $52? (I wouldn't ask it of Michelle Obama...she shops at the Gap, I hear.)

Quite frankly, I'm not all that fond of you and the way you spout off about your military service. My father was a hard-working military man, as well. There's hundreds of thousands of men and women out there who have done the same, yet they and their dependents get jack shit for benefits now. But I like that Palin gal. She's smart and kinda sexy in a librarian sorta way. And Giulianni was right (I can't believe I just said that), no one asks a male politician if he's spending enough time with his family. It's not fair to ask the governor that. She has balls. I wish I had some, too. Literally.

Thank you for your time. Please consider my offer. One vote (my vote) gets you closer to the White House. Good luck, Senator and Mrs. Governor.

Respectfully,

Kevin Weber

123 Main St.

Colorado Springs, CO 80910

(Please send cash. I don't accept checks or credit cards. Thank you.)

www.searchingformyself.com (Stop by and leave a comment, John!)

Redneck FTM

2008-09-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

September 01, 2008

Redneck FTM

I found myself at the Walmart last night around 8pm searching for hanging file folders for my file cabinet because the Office Depot was already closed. It was there that I came to the realization that the testosterone is not only changing my body, but it's altering my female mind, too.

In the past, my girlfriends have always been so impressed with how they could send me to the store and I'd be home lickety split with everything on the list AND at a bargain price. I was "jane shopper", so-to-speak. I knew the tricks of the trade. I knew how to get the best parking space and the non-wobbly cart. I knew where everything was and usually what brand was better than the other. I cut coupons and knew how to use them! Back off, buddy!

Suddenly, last night, I found myself at the Walmart totally stupified. It was if my head had totally stuck itself up my ass...just like your husband's does when you take him shopping. First, I found myself circling and circling the parking lot, trolling for the best parking space. Anyone who's ever seen me knows that a few extra feet of walking isn't going to hurt me. I finally caved in and picked one out in the middle of nowhere, but my parking ego was shot. Next, I ended up with the cart with that one fucked up wheel. You know the one, the one that limps along noisily and slowly. Do you think I went back and switched it out? Hell no. Too lazy! I'll make it work. I then broke that other cardinal sin, too...don't shop when you're hungry! Yep! Everything looked good! Fishsticks...check! Little Debbie...in the cart! Bagel Bites...taking you home! Chocolate milk...come with me, please! Then I was on the hunt...where was the tartar sauce? Yes, the testosterone had sucked the layout of the grocery section right out of my head. I was so lost that I had to text my friend Margie, a mom, and ask HER where I would find tartar sauce. "By the mayo," she texted back. Ahhh yessss. That sounds vaguely familiar.

As I stood in line (with everything but the file folders I originally came for, mind you), I looked at my cart. There it was, a total bachelor grocery cart if I'd ever seen one. I had to do a double take. "What the fuck," I thought to myself. Then I looked down at myself and there I stood with my flip flops, cargo shorts, "vintage" baseball tee shirt, and Tootsie Roll baseball cap that read, "How Many Licks Does It Take?" Ick. I had become that guy that I love to hate. Let's just say that next payday, I'm rehiring my nutritionist and making a stop at the Men's Wearhouse. LOL!

Kevin and Edie "Unplugged".

2008-08-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

August 30, 2008

Kevin and Edie "Unplugged".

I got rid of my T-Mobile Wing last week. I had everything on it. Email, text, my news and weather, photos, internet, address book, appointments...oh, and it made phone calls, too. I had all of my little email addresses linked into it. Whenever someone left me an email on this website, or left me a comment on myspace, or even breathed, I knew about it...through my phone. I decided I was too available. I was too linked in to everything. It just became less important to me to know EVERYTHING that was going on around me. My cable is gone, too. No more watching CNN at 3am when I can't sleep. I have to pick up a book now. OH...MY...GOD!!!

The lovely Edie Carey doing her thing.

I was invited to a "house concert" tonight with Edie Carey. She's been making music for awhile but I've only recently become familiar with her music through my friend Rachel. I can't even begin to explain to you how much music plays a part in my life. I can't sing a lick. I can't play an instrument...well, there IS the accordion but we won't talk about that. I, personally, am not musically inclined, so I admire those who are. And those who can write songs? Even more spectacular! There's something even more magical about an artist who is performing their OWN music on stage. The emotion is electrifying.

As I looked around the room tonight, I saw a lot of phones. Fancy phones. I-Phones. Sidekicks. You know...the kind I just got rid of. I guess the point is that I SAW them. People were holding them IN THEIR HANDS as Edie sang. I've been wandering around for the last week and a half wondering if I had done the right thing. Should I have unplugged myself like that? How will I EVER survive not knowing if I have email or voicemail or a new myspace blog comment or not? Listening to Edie sing...just her and her guitar...I realized that I did indeed make the right choice. I allowed myself to sit there and listen, no...I allowed myself to HEAR.

I've been shopping for a new digital/video camera and I haven't decided which one to get yet, so I bought one of those throw away film ones at the King Soopers until I get a new one. I took it to the concert and got the most bizarre stares from everyone. "What the hell is that?"..."Does that thing have film in it?"..."Do people still develop those?"..."Where do the pictures come out?" Yeah, you guys are a fucking riot! I had to laugh to myself when someone (you shall remain nameless, Firecrotch) yelled out, "I forgot my memory card and I can only take four pictures of Edie!" Yeah, well, who's laughing at my 27 exposures now? Call my throw away camera old-fashioned and nerdy. I'm calling it "vintage" and "retro".

(At least someone appreciated my "vintage" camera!)

I learned tonight that I'm enjoying being "unplugged" more than I thought I would. It's time to get back to the music that inspires me and makes me f-e-e-l. There needs to be less time online and more time enjoying the real emotion that comes from live music and live people. I see upcoming shows on the calendar for Terri Clark, Sara Hickman, Anita Baker, Hal Ketchum, Dolly Parton, Nanci Griffith, Vonda Shepard, and Dar Williams. I'm pulling out my guitar, too, and giving those lessons another try. Thanks Edie for the inspiration! As you say, "Be A Poet About It."

Words Escape Me...

2008-08-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

August 29, 2008

Words Escape Me.

Tomorrow marks my third month on testosterone. I apologize for being a bit lax the last few weeks on this page. I sit at this keyboard and nothing comes out. All of a sudden, the desire to share myself with you has escaped me. I know what you're thinking, "typical male". You're funny. I know why. It's not that. But I care not to share. I just need a little break...a little time for myself. It'll come back. It always does. Please bear with me.

There's a "house" party tomorrow night. It's a birthday party for my little buddy, Rachel! Yay! Musician Edie Carey will play at the shindig. Maybe a little spark of live music and obnoxious, inebriated friends is just what I need. Happy birthday, Rachel. Thank you for being such a good friend. I love you!

Therapy Stresses Me Out and Causes Me To Need More Therapy...

2008-08-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

August 19, 2008

Therapy Stresses Me Out and Causes Me To Need More Therapy.

I have a feeling it's someone's birthday today, but I have no idea who. Sorry if it's you. lol. Happy birthday anyway.

I'm sitting here right now thinking, "What a crap week so far. Pffft!" Today was just the icing on the cake.

Back in May, I got a new therapist, all excited that she takes my insurance. Turns out that the insurance company (CIGNA...yes, I'll call you out, you scum-sucking piece of shit bastards that you are!) doesn't like my diagnosis of gender dysmorphia or whatever and has DENIED all of my previous sessions with this therapist. WTF? You tell me NOW??? My therapist flat-out asked me back then..."Do you want to go with this diagnosis? The insurance company might not like it and some people don't like to have it on their record." But I was a dumbass and said, "Go with it. It's the truth. No more lies. If someone asks me about it, I'll tell them the truth. I'm not embarrassed about it anymore." Yeah, well, fuck me in the ass sideways now. I got handed a bill today for one-thousand dollars. Yes! A ONE followed by THREE zeroes. I must have had that, "Please hand me my butcher knife" look on my face because suddenly she took it down to $544, but still...how the hell am I going to pull that out of my non-existent ass? I love therapists because then she wanted to sit down and talk about how I "felt" about the bill. WTF? Are you serious? I shit you not. That's my day.

I've been angry all day about that insurance thing. It's not even so much about having to pay that money. I'll come up with it somehow, I suppose. (Can I borrow $544? Anyone? Anyone?) It's the fact that I could be diagnosed with so many other different "fucked up" things like...um..."serial killer-ism" and probably have my sessions paid for. It makes me sad, yet VERY angry, that so many people out there are suffering from a plethora of things, yet have to jump through so many hoops to have their insurance pay for it...or at least help pay for it. And we still continue to pay such high premiums. For nothing. A few months ago, I had my gallbladder removed. It had to come out. It was diseased and I felt like crap ALL the time. (I feel FANTASTIC now without it. Thanks for asking!) Even though I pay through the nose for my insurance AND didn't even spend the night in the hospital (I was out of there in 4 hours!), I still got a bill for nearly $700. Yes, that was MY share.

I guess my point is...no one (by that I mean corporations) seems interested in preventative care. They'd rather let everyone fall apart and then take care of the situation. I guess there's more money in that. That's sad. I didn't choose this. I don't want this. But it is me and I can't help it. Why can't you help me? I get fucked again because I told the truth instead of letting the therapist lie for me. Fucked again because I tried to do it the RIGHT way and go through the RIGHT channels and follow protocol. But I'm not going to let it break me. I'm going to stay strong and keep pushing forward.

What an eye-opening past few days. A nice kick in the ass to really take matters into my OWN hands. Take responsibility for your own health...mentally, physically, and especially EMOTIONALLY. Treat yourself with respect, because if you don't, no one else will. It's time to respect ME...and expect respect in return.

Wet

2008-08-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

August 16, 2008

Wet.

It's STILL raining. I'm about to build an ark. As always, all the weather forecasters on the local tv channels are saying "We sure could use the moisture". Idiots. Makes me grumpy and want to eat. I'd give my left nut for a Godfather's pizza right now. Wait...I don't have a left nut. Maybe I'll go eat a pickle instead. Shit.

Mango Is A...Nogo.

2008-08-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

August 15, 2008

Mango is a Nogo

I'm glad the weekend is here. I haven't slept much this week. I've come clean with a few more people over the last few days about past betrayals and it keeps me awake at night...what I've done. Sometimes I catch myself walking around with that "deer in the headlight" look. The rain over the past two days hasn't helped either. I asked one person, "Was it better to have found you and apologized or should I have just left it alone?" She said she was glad I sought her out and explained...then we sat on the phone and had a long cry together. Such emotion poured out.

My sister and her old high school pal, introduced me to one of their friends who is going through a transition as well. Rachel is MTF and lives not too far from me. I got an email from her a few days ago and she sounds like such a wonderful and positive spirit. We will have a lot to talk about because Rachel is going through her transition later in life, too. She will see her 52nd birthday next month and I'd like to take her out to dinner to celebrate. GOOD FOR YOU, RACHEL!!! And you're right, we only have this life...so we better go out and enjoy it while we can. Thank you for that.

Oh boy. Have I told you about the "Mango"? LOL! I think some of you know about that purchase. I bought it a couple of months ago and the box has been sitting on my nightstand staring back at me. Yes...I'm scared of it...a little. It's a...um...penis. LOL! Shit, who knew you could go online and buy a penis? Hell, if I knew it was THAT easy, I would have done it YEARS ago! No, just kidding. It's a packing penis that let's you pee standing up. (What woman hasn't ever wanted to do that? Campers? Anyone? Can I get a witness?)

Today, I finally took it out of the box...and tried it. I made sure I tried it in the shower so that I wouldn't pee all over myself. It works. Kind of. Thank God I wasn't wearing pants or I would have looked like an idiot with a big wet spot. I'm going to need some practice with that thing. I like the aiming part, though. LOL! Now I know why guys like writing their names in the snow. It's kinda fun. Ahhh....yes, I discovered my penis envy today.

In all seriousness. It will take practice, for soon, I'll embark on entering men's restrooms and having to "pass" full-time. Scary.

Change Is Hard...For Everyone!

2008-08-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

August 14, 2008

Change Is Hard...For Everyone.

I've been thinking a lot about change lately. It's hard for me. But I do it. Sometimes I even find it mildly arousing.

My mother bought a new car on Monday. A new, 2008 small SUV. Good for her. I jumped for joy. Seriously. The last THREE cars my parents bought were all SILVER VW JETTAS. No kidding. They all looked alike. When they brought them home to show me, I asked, "Are you SURE you bought a new car? It looks exactly like the old one!" Yeah, these people hated change. Change was bad.

My poor mother has been suffering from knee and shoulder problems for a couple of years now. I keep telling her that they've made great strides in knee replacements, but she'll have none of that. Since my father's hospital drama, she wants nothing to do with it. She'd rather suffer...and then bitch and moan about it to everyone. Her Jetta had just become so difficult for her to get in and out of since it sits so low to the ground. My sister and I have been telling her to get one of those new SUV crossovers or something. Something that will be a little easier for her to get around in. Finally, we broke her. I went to the dealership with her and she picked out her FIRST car. Yep! She's 70 years old and had never bought her OWN car before. My father had always picked it out and bought it with her. She was a fucking mess! She was so hell bent on not getting "screwed over" that she raked that poor sales guy over the coals. Good for her. But damn if I don't feel sorry for poor, old Rafael. Wow! Not only did she have to tell him one hundred times how she didn't want to be screwed because she was an old lady, but she had to tell every story about dad and his cars that she could recall. Again, poor Rafael. I think she just wore the poor guy down. I honestly believe that if she had told one more story, he would have paid HER to take the car and get the hell out of the dealership.

Long story short, the person in the world who resists change the most, my mother, stepped up to the plate this week and welcomed change into her life...without my father. What a huge step! (Although she claims now that she needs to "learn" to drive her new automatic since she's always driven a stick. WTF?) I wonder, can she accept my change? Or will it be too much for her? I still don't even know how to begin to approach the subject with her. But for some reason, I think she already knows. Weird.

I have to change, too. I stress too much. After my raft trip last week, it became much clearer to me. I have no control over what other people do or think of me. I just need to let it be. I stress and it's unhealthy. I let people blame me for things that really aren't my fault. But because I've lied and betrayed in the past, it's just easier to point the finger at me...I'll always be the "bad guy" and I know that. But you know what? I'm not going to stress about it. I'm making my peace. I'm apologizing. Coming clean. Freeing myself. Making positive changes. You can keep blaming me...but am I really to blame anymore for your failures and lack of change?

(Note to self: Send Rafael flowers today.)

Damn...That Water Is Cold!

2008-08-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

August 08, 2008

Damn, That Water Is COLD!

I swear if I hear someone say "oh-eight-oh-eight-oh-eight" one more time today, I'm going to come unglued! LOL! It was cool the first, oh, THOUSAND times but now, you're just workin' my last nerve. Radio people...they'll work a punch line into the ground...then dance on it a little more just to make sure they've sucked ALL of the life out of it. Just sayin'.

The Olympics start tonight. I will admit that I do love the summer olympics. The diving and swimming, the track and field, and the gymspastics. I imagine I'll get caught watching some of it.

Most of my boxes are unpacked after the move into the new apartment. It's an older place so there aren't very many closets. Okay, there are TWO! And they are T-I-N-Y! I have too much crap, too. How will I ever hide all of my materialistic sins? The X-Files trinkets I've collected over the years and all this damn camping equipment? I think I'll be making a trip to EBay for a little "garage" sale soon.

It's been a little over two months on testosterone now. Still, the changes haven't been all that great. There's more chin hair to shave off. I've been playing a little game with people. I've been letting the chin hair grow and waiting to see if anyone says anything to me. By that I mean "aquaintances" who don't know yet that I'm transitioning. It's surely noticeable. My leg hair, too. LOL! It's my own little "Human Nature" experiment. I know, I'm bad. I have yet to decide if the chin hair is a blondish color OR just plain gray. UGH! The thing that is weirdest to me is that it is all so noticable but my own mother hasn't said a word. And no...she's not just being polite. You have to understand that my mother is a VERY opinionated woman. She has no filter. She says whats on her mind whether or not it hurts your feelings....especially if it concerns my sister or me. Why hasn't she asked me about my hairy legs or mini-goatee? I spend enough time with her. She's had plenty of chances to "let 'er rip", so-to-speak. Hm. Baffling.

Speaking of my sister, Liz, I finally told her about my transition. She was very open and accepting and even told me she had a former friend from high school who was transitioning now. She didn't seem shocked at all. She even gave me shit because I told my nephew (her son) first. LOL! I can't win. I'll see her in September when she comes to Colorado for a visit.

My period still came around for a visit last week. Although, it was lighter and shorter. I'm bloated as HELL. That's the most uncomfortable part. I feel like a damn sausage.

My food cravings are wicked lately. I don't know if it's the T or just stress. I'm guessing that it's mostly stress. I put crap in my mouth that I know I shouldn't. And it's not that I eat A LOT. It's that I eat the wrong things. I've been eating for convenience instead of health lately and it bugs the shit out of me. I need to get this kitchen mess up and running so I can start churning out some healthier meals.

The move has just worn me out. I hate living out of boxes and this place is a wreck! Even the dog looks at me like, "What the fuck is going on here?" She's always had another dog to play with and now she is alone. I feel bad for her. But not bad enough to get another dog.

Last June, for my birthday, my friend Zen Gray gave me a gift certificate for two people to go white water rafting down Big Horn Sheep Canyon on the Arkansas River just outside of Canon City, Colorado. I took my pal Trudy and her new friend Amy along for the adventure this past Wednesday.

The temperatures here in Colorado Springs for the past 3 weeks or so have been well into the 90's and it was an awesome cool down and great stress reliever. It was a chance to play hooky in the middle of the week and hang with the girls. There was a time or two, though, that I caught myself worrying about unpacking or the fact that I hadn't received my books for school yet...then I had to pull myself back into the moment. It was a huge lesson that I just worry too damn much! All to often, I forget to live in the moment. I miss the thing that's flying right by my face because of stuff that's already happened or stuff that is going to happen. It's stupid. I need to start making a conscious effort to stop doing that. I'm missing too many things because of that. Something in my head finally clicked a little that day out on the river. Thanks Zen, you always seem to know what I need.

DOH!

2008-07-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

July 24, 2008

Doh!

Sad news this morning.

It seems I was playing with my lone chest hair a little too much last night and it accidently broke off. (Stop laughing, muggle!) *sniff*

I'll be in mourning today and mostly unreachable.

Sasquatch...I Am.

2008-07-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

July 23, 2008

Sasquatch...I am.

I was just sitting here at work this afternoon realizing that I'm kind of going through a second puberty. I got to do that horrible "girly" one when I was 13 or so...blech. Now, I'm doing the boy one. LOL! It amuses me. But it's frustrating (and a little bizarre), too. How many people can actually rub their chin hair AND have their monthly cramps at the same time? Strange. Yes, my monthly visitor is the first thing I was hoping would leave but it's still coming around. So, add PMS to a dose of testosterone and you have one raging monster terrorizing the streets of Colorado Springs for about a week. I'm a walking contradiction.

Small milestones make me giddy. (Can men be giddy?) After mowing the lawn today in the 100 degree heat, I got in the shower to cool off and wash the stink off of me. Yes, I have man stink now. As I was drying off, low and behold, I spotted my first CHEST HAIR. There it was in all its dark, shiny glory. I stroked it and welcomed it. I hope it brings more friends soon. It looks lonely.

My leg hair is getting longer. I continue to wear shorts because it's so damn hot but I often wonder if people are staring at me. "Why doesn't she shave her legs?" I'm very self-conscious about it. I suppose if anyone asks, I'll just tell them that I live in Manitou Springs where there's lots of hippie love.

Testosterone Is Eating My Brain Away...

2008-07-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

July 22, 2008

Testosterone Is Eating My Brain Away.

What the hell is wrong with me? I really think I'm losing my mind. I'm a very good "payer-attentioner". (I like to make up words, too.) I read a lot of magazines and I watch the news. It's just something that I've always done being in radio. You have to keep up with celebrity gossip and current events. You have to know useless shit. (You want me on your Trivial Pursuit team. Seriously.) But...I think something is eating away at my brain cells. This afternoon one of the disc jockeys asked me what I thought about "Dolly". I said that I've loved her for years. I'm a huge country/bluegrass fan. Turns out he was talking about Hurricane Dolly off the coast of Texas. Nice. To my defense, she IS on tour now with a new album. A couple of days ago, I saw a crawl on the bottom of the television, during the news, that said something about a woman in Washington state keeping a bunch of Australian Shepards in her home illegally. My first thought was, "Why were they there illegally? Australian citizens are free to roam about wherever they want. And why where there sheep herders in Washington?" They were talking about Australian Shepard DOGS! Oy! My head's just not "there".

I'm going to try and not worry about it. I'm making huge changes in my life, moving to a new place in a week and a half...hell...nothing in my life is the same. Not even my underwear. All of my things are moved around or in boxes, and for a person with a touch of OCD, it's maddening.

I'm an emotional eater, too. Things are going into my mouth that shouldn't be. Stress triggers the arrival of that bad food train and damn if I'm not aboard it, full steam ahead. God forbid I should drive by the Rainbo or Hostess Outlet stores. I beat myself up over it and then I stress even more. It's a vicious cycle. I guess that I can be thankful that stress doesn't trigger me to drink or smoke. I'm glad I didn't inherit that gene from my father.

I do feel a bit better today, though. Today, I told my first family member about my transition. My oldest nephew Zachary took the news so well. But, I knew he would. He's an awesome young man, very open-minded at nearly 23. I wish he lived closer to me. I missed a lot of his growing up years...but got to hold him LOTS when he was a baby and toddler. It's fun getting to know him as an adult. If you're reading this, Zach, I miss you and love you. Thank you.

I Lost Track of My Boob...

2008-07-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

July 15, 2008

I Lost Track of My Boob...

I'm coming off of a pretty good weekend. On Friday night, I went back to one of my old high school stomping grounds, The Underground, down on Kiowa Street. It was the "cool" place to hang out for after hours waaaay back when. I hadn't been there in over 20 years. It used to be kind of a "new wave" place. Now, it's mostly gay and has a nice, laid back atmosphere.

I agreed to meet Rachel and some mutual friends there for a drink after work. I knew I'd be introduced to some new people and I was a little nervous. My friends have been asking me for weeks now, "Are you ready to be called Kevin yet?" I decided that I was finally ready...at least in the gay community. Yes. Introduce me as Kevin tonight. What an exciting move! I would be validated this night.

Before I went to work that afternoon, I bound my breasts. Let me say first, I'm not small chested. I wrapped myself in my primitive system of ACE bandages and damn if it didn't work. I threw on a tight white t-shirt to help and then another loose shirt over that. Not bad. However, as soon as I got to work, the system started failing. I could feel the bandages start to shift. Not good. Before I left work to go to the UG, I stopped in the bathroom and re-bound myself. Better.

I got to the UG and found Rachel and her wonderful new girlfriend Kimberly. Immediately, Rachel started to introduce me as Kevin. No one even blinked. Immediate acceptance. What a WONDERFUL feeling. I felt accepted, safe, strong...but then things changed. After my first beer, my binding shifted and I felt my right boob popped up and out of my binding. There I was, minding my own business, and I had one boob pointing north and one boob pointing south. Did anyone just notice that? Can anyone see that? Self consciousness was creeping in. I suddenly felt like a fraud. I had promised myself no more lying...no more games...and there I was introducing myself as Kevin, the man with the boobs. I'd like to think that I don't care what other people think. I say it often, "I don't care what he/she thinks." But deep down, I do. No matter what anyone thinks, I DO have a conscience. I DO care if someone thinks, "Kevin? But isn't that a woman?" I won't betray anymore and that's what it felt like.

I've been thinking about that moment for days now. I think of my friends and how wonderful and accepting they are. Each of them tells me that they're proud of me for finally doing this...for finally being brave enough to be myself. I realized that by letting that small "failure" in the boobage binding department shake my courage and strength, that I'm betraying myself. Luckily. I'm anal enough to lock myself in my secret batcave like a mad scientist and devise some sort of impenetrable binding system that will deflect bullets, make me fly, and let me leap tall buildings in a single bound. I will not be beaten by the boobs! For I, Kevin, am bigger than they are. It's nice to have people who believe in you when sometimes...you're too weak to do it yourself. Thank you for lifting me...and my breasts...up.

Karangela!

2008-07-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

July 14, 2008

Karangela!

I got the wonderful treat of spending Saturday evening at my dear friends' house...Karen and Angela. I call them "Karangela", kind of like "Brangelina". So cute they're almost annoying. (Oh c'mon! You KNOW I love you!) We had the opportunity to sit and talk about the changes going on in my life and the world around us. It was wonderful to be able to come clean and get some things off of my chest. It was nice to be able to share with them that I'm not always a nice person and that I can be a wretched asshole, too. They didn't care. They still fed me steak and corn on the cob, two of my favorite things in the world. They listened without judgement and just said, "You're choosing a better path now. That's all that matters."

Karen and Angela are all about paths. Paths crossing, paths going different places, paths intersecting...whatever it may be. It made me laugh. I just had to point it out to them. "You know, it doesn't matter but whatever the situation may be, you say it's a 'sign' and the path you're supposed to take."

"Really?," they asked.

"Yeah. I could fall down and break my leg and you would say, 'See! That's a sign that you're supposed to go out and buy those shorts you loved so much because now you can't wear pants.'"

They laughed and realized that they do indeed do that a lot. Karen said, "I guess it's because sometimes life gets so shitty that if you don't believe it's supposed to happen this way, that this is the 'path' you're supposed to take, it would be too depressing and unbearable."

They told me that I've finally found my path and to not look back at what I could've and should've done but to look ahead at what I CAN and am GOING to do. And that's what I'm going to do...look ahead and stay on the right path....hoping it keeps intersecting with special people like you and you and you and you.....

Watering My Balls...

2008-07-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

July 10, 2008

Watering My Balls...

My old radio friend, Alisha, has offered up the services of her truck and her husband to help me move into my new place over the next week or two. I'm not quite sure that her husband knows that he's going to be helping out yet. But isn't that what wives do? They offer up the services of their husbands without them knowing it? Makes me laugh.

It's been about a year since Alisha and I have seen each other but we talk every now and then. We trust each other completely. I don't fear telling her anything. She's just like that. I texted her yesterday and said, "I need to tell you the real reason I'm moving out and living alone." She's replied, "Ok." So I gave her the link to this website and told her to look at it from HOME not at work as I was only slowly revealing it to my radio pals over the next few weeks. I have to be selective at first.

"Will I pass out?" she asked.

"Possibly," I replied.

Ten minutes later, my phone rang. "You know, I think this is great! You're my friend. I know you won't change that. You'll still be you. You have a good heart and that will stay. I don't care if you're straight or gay or whatever...you're my friend."

"Thank you, I appreciate that." *sniff*

"But you're right, not everyone will be cool. But I am."

"I knew you would. You've always been straight with me about everything."

"Can I just make a joke here?"

"Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Alisha."

"WOW! This takes BALLS!!!!!"

"Funny. I knew you'd go down that road."

"I'm sorry. I couldn't resist."

"No problem."

Alisha and I had this talk while I was sitting in my car in Walmart parking lot. I was getting ready to run in to pick up some cucumbers for a nice salad for dinner. On my way into the store, there a was a 40-something man standing there with one of those stupid ballot petitions. Well, lately, when they ask me if I'm a registered Colorado voter, I stop and say, "Sure". I let them do their thing to see if it's something I support or not. I'll actually take the time to sign something if I believe in it. Usually, I tell them I'm not a registered voter...that I'm visiting from Germany or something. lol! Get away from me! I know...BAD! However, lately, I've been taking the time to check it out. So the man looks at me and asks, "Are you a registered Colorado voter?"

I replied, "Yes". I reached out my hand to grab the little clipboard from him.

He looked me up and down for a second and said, "Okay, thank you. Have a nice day."

Huh? "I said I am."

"Oh, it's okay. I just realized I have enough signatures on this one."

"Suddenly you magically have enough signatures? Okay."

I was so taken aback that I just turned around and walked into the store. I didn't know what to think. Granted, I'm in that stage now where people look at me and probably think, "Is that a 'girl' or a 'boy'?" But to freak out so much that you do something like that? Stunning!

I got my cucumbers and made my way back out of the store. Low and behold who's still standing there? Yep! Ballot Boy! Guess what he's doing? Gathering MORE signatures for his FULL ballot. I shot him some eye contact as I walked by and back out to my car.

I'm not big at confrontation. I suck at it. I'll be the first to admit that. I hate it. If you're going to yell at me, I shut down...so I just avoid it. It's just not my thing. But as I get further into this and realize that everyone's not kosher with it, I need to "grow" some balls and start standing up for myself. I need to speak out. I have to say, that in all my years in the gay community, I don't believe anyone has been openly discriminatory towards me for it. If they have, I haven't noticed. What a wake up call that was last night.

It's time to start making more noise...and watering my balls.

I See Your True Colors...And Your Hair Issues

2008-07-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

July 07, 2008

I See Your True Colors...And Your Hair Issues.

It's back to work! Ugh! I didn't sleep well last night, even though I took one of those lovely Ambiens. It was one of those nights where you keep waking up and looking at the clock, "Oh, look! It's one o'clock!"..."Oh, look! It's three o'clock!"..."Oh, look! It's four o'clock!". Stupid. My brain wouldn't turn off and I couldn't think of one person who wouldn't be pissed off at me if I called them at 3am just to chat.

My ex and I went to Red Rocks in Morrison, Colorado on Saturday to see the True Colors concert tour. It's nice to be able to hang out with someone whose company you still enjoy and listen to some good music. Joan Armatrading was there, Rosie O'Donnell (ugh!), The B-52's, Carson Kressley, and of course the AMAZING Cyndi Lauper. I've seen her over a half a dozen times now and each time I've just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and take her home with me. She's wickedly smart. It was nice that we were at Red Rocks, because in the background, the city of Denver was lit with various fireworks displays. It seems a lot of communities were still celebrating the 4th of July.

I mentioned to my ex that I was going to stop that "female" shaving routine this week. No more with the legs and underarms and all that. She laughed. Ok...she laughed hysterically. "And what about your hair issues?" she asked. True. Yes, I have hair issues. But I want to start feeling my own hair on my body. I've been feeling it on my face and have been fascinated by it. As I move even closer to living full time as a man, these are the next steps...hair, legal name change w/new driver's license, binding my breasts until top surgery, etc.

I've had so much positive feedback from this website, even in its infantile stage. When I tell people what I plan on doing with it as I move further along in my transition, I'm handed business cards, phone numbers, names of friends of friends of friends, etc. So many people are jumping on board. Thank you! Your help is amazing and is truly appreciated!

Cindy Brady Puked On My Car

2008-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

July 03, 2008

Cindy Brady puked on my car.

What an odd day. Work was really slow this morning. It seemed that everyone had already taken off on vacation. I found myself nodding off, my feet up on the desk, listening to the police scanners. Not a peep. Where is everyone? Who has the money for gas? I have to work tomorrow morning. Why? Pfft.

Sadness has crept in. I've betrayed a friend. Someone I love so deeply...and passionately. The one person who understands me, who lights a fire under my ass when I need it, isn't there anymore because of my lying and cheating...and stealing of trust. All I could do today between shifts was go to bed and pull the covers over my head. How long will it last?

When I went back to work in the afternoon, all people could talk about was Cindy Brady. Yes, THE Cindy Brady of "The Brady Bunch", Susan Olsen. She had been doing an interview downstairs at one of the radio stations in our building totally HUNGOVER. During the middle of the interview, she had to stop, walk outside and toss her cookies! You can see the video on TMZ.com, Youtube, etc. Oh boy. Watch it. She looks like holy hell! I feel bad for her...and for her son who didn't seem to think anything of it. Sad, really. All I can say is that I'm glad I park in the front of the building and not in the back of the building where the vomitting occured. LOL! You just hate to see that.

After all the Cindy Brady talk diminished, I sat and watched the traffic cameras and spotted a rollover accident near Monument on I-25. That's always a horrendous stretch of road, especially on holiday weekends. The police hadn't even arrived on scene yet. People were rushing around, trying to get everyone out of the SUV. It got me thinking about how life can change in a spilt second. You can be coasting along, minding your own business...and suddenly your whole world is upside down. It's horrible that these people's 4th of July is probably ruined, but it reminded me that I need to enjoy EVERY moment that I have. I need to eat my fruits and veggies to stay healthy...cut out that junk food! I need to make it to the gym even when I don't feel like it. And most of all, I need to reconnect with my friends...and trust them to help me through this. I sent an email out to my friends two days ago asking for moving boxes. Some of those friends I haven't even seen in close to a year. The friend that I haven't seen for the longest...offered me her truck and her help. Thank you Alisha.

I continue to be amazed.

Coming Out...Againa

2008-07-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

July 01, 2008

Coming Out...Again.

Today I came forward and told two of my co-workers about my situation. One is a female co-worker that I've known for a number of years now. I've always known her to have a great sense of humor and an open mind. Ironically, I played a practical joke on her when she first started working here at my office. I told my boss that she used to be a man. (It was retaliation for a practical joke she had played on me the FIRST day I met her! This was WAR!) Well, my boss at the time BELIEVED me! She believed me enough that she called around to her former place of employment and actually asked her former co-workers if it was true. LOL! Needless to say, the truth came out and it was confirmed (a few days later) that she was indeed a biological female. I had fun with it while it lasted, though. So now, today, I reminded her about the time I told everyone about the time she "used to be a man". I told her about my new journey and this major turn in my life. We laughed. We cried. I asked her for advice on how to be more like a man since she used to be one. Sadly, she had none for me.

My other co-worker is a man. He is the closest man I come into contact with on a daily basis. I realized today that I've only told one other male about my change and he just kept saying, "I can't wrap my brain around this." The first words out of my co-workers mouth were, "Really? I'm totally cool with that. Do whatever it is that you need to do." Then he wanted to instruct me about "male" handshakes, fist pumping, and how to scratch my balls. Funny. I already had a male bonding session.

I'm lucky. The people that I come into contact with everyday are accepting and supportive...and have a wonderful sense of humor and curiosity about it. I've found that people who aren't supportive, tend to not ask questions. They may tell you that they're okay with it, but you can tell by their non-interest. My two co-workers kept prefacing their questions with, "I know this might be a stupid question, but...". There are no stupid questions when it comes to this. I'm happy to answer them. I'm happy to answer your questions, too. I think by being frank (or Ed, or Harry, or George, as my co-worker joked today) about the changes, both physically and emotionally, that I'll be going through, it will make the transition easier for everyone in the workplace.

What is my workplace? I work in radio. Yes, I'm on the radio...with a female name. My voice has always been a bit deeper so that won't change much. But my appearance will. How on Earth will I get around that? I certainly can't show up to work one day with a new "male" name and expect people to believe that it's not me...even though they can't see me. I can imagine some listeners would be fascinated by it all. Most people in this town? This evangelical mecca? This right wing holy grail? Not so much. I fear I would be strung up and dragged down Nevada Avenue and made an "example" of. For now, I will play it day by day and see what happens. I will test the waters. Will my local celebrity help me or hurt me? We'll see.

Just Like Billy Joel..."I'm Movin' Out"

2008-06-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

June 30, 2008

Just Like Billy Joel..."I'm Movin Out"

Exactly one month on testosterone now. Wow! Four weeks have brought a lot of changes, but then again, very few.

My life is like a whirlwind. Today I met with my advisor at school to help me with the scheduling of my fall classes. It will be another heavy workload starting in August, but I'm up for it. I so enjoy school...although this time around I have to sit through a history class. Not really my cup of tea.

I will be moving into a new place in just a couple of weeks. I've decided that living alone while going through this physical and emotional change would be a much better idea. I feel safer both emotionally and physically with this idea. If someone around you isn't supportive, it makes you doubt yourself. It sucks. Only supportive people from here on out.

I've found that the testosterone has really set off my emotions in weird ways. You would think it would make me angrier, more violent, perhaps. I'm just getting more...um..."annoyed", I guess is the word. I feel I'm more emotional than ever. I swear I cry at the drop of a hat. WTF? My OCD is at an all time peak. I find myself moving things around, straightening things, and getting a bit miffed when things aren't put back in their place. When people talk too long about themselves or just talk to "hear themselves" I tune out more quickly.

Physically, my body has made some minor changes. I am taking pictures and will begin posting the "before" and "during" pics as soon as there's more to see. I never really had any hips to begin with and what I had are now, pretty much, gone. I find myself constantly pulling up my shorts at the most embarrassing times. I'd make a great plumber right now...my crack is always showing, it seems. My shoulders seemed to have broadened just a bit. I've been trying to work out as often as possible. (I had a horrible stomach bug over my birthday week that set me back a bit.) My face is getting hairier. My chin is stubbly after just two or three days. It fascinates me to no end. I'll lay in bed and just pet my chin for hours. I know. Strange. My cheeks, though, are just growing these stray, light colored hairs. I have to shave those off every few days. They look idiotic. I've noticed a change in my skin, too. It's a bit oily now. I never had acne as a teenager. (Stop cursing me! LOL!) But now I've noticed it popping up. Of course, near my hair line on my head, and around my chin. A few days ago, I noticed a couple of blemishes on my thighs and one on my forearm. I couldn't stop staring. What odd places! Even though I haven't gained any weight...I've even dropped a few pounds...I feel thicker, and fuller. Stronger. I feel good.

There are more things to talk about. So much more. I'll end it here for now with a promise to write more tomorrow night.

Be well. You matter.

Let The Testosterone Begin!

2008-05-30T15:19:00.000-07:00

May 30, 2008

Let The Testosterone Begin!

Today is my first day on Testosterone. My doctor has prescribed Androgel 1% for me instead of injections. There are pros and cons for either. We'll see how this treatment goes. The pros of this...no needles, no risk of abscesses, and the gel is applied daily to my shoulder/arm area so it provides a steady stream of hormones to my body instead of one large dose every 6 to 8 weeks. The unfortunate thing about the gel is that you must be careful with it. You must make sure you wash your hands thoroughly after you apply it. It would be horrible to transfer it to your pets or a pregnant woman. It must also dry completely before you can get dressed. I'm excited to see what happens.

I know the changes will come slowly and my patience will be tested. I've been lucky to have some great friends around me. Some have helped me clean up my diet, some have been there just to listen, and some have pulled my ass off of the couch and made me dance when I didn't think I could go on.

I'll be honest. I'm scared to death! I hate change. I resist it. I fight it. I battle it. I cry over it. But I'm learning that I CAN change. I can embrace it and good things can come of it. I can finally be who I really am and not hide anymore.

Losing Someone...Gaining Myself

2008-05-26T15:17:00.000-07:00

May 26, 2008

Losing Someone...Gaining Myself.

I'm finally coming to the realization today that the pictures and ideal situations that I create for myself in my mind may not always work out. I always laugh at those people who use that saying "If you love someone, you have to set them free..." blah, blah, blah. Now, I'm laughing at myself because I was just thinking that myself. If it's meant to be, it'll be around a year or two from now when I need it even more and when it can appreciate what I've truly made of myself. You'll understand this story more at a later time when I discuss it more, I'm sure.

The only way I know of coping now, is to immerse myself in the things I love...radio and photography. The only way to keep my mind occupied is to work endless hours...to put myself on autopilot for awhile.

As I was driving home from Fort Logan National Cemetery yesterday, after visiting my father's grave, I remembered about all the great, old-fashioned neon signs that run up and down Sheridan Boulevard in Denver. I promised myself that I would take my camera, my dad's old 35mm that he bought in Korea and gave me when I was 21, and go back today to photograph them. I can't wait to show you that huge, old Arby's sign. You know, the kind that look like big cowboy hats. You don't see very many of them anymore.

I deserve a break from my head today, for tomorrow, my journey begins again.